tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-80039003635199000012023-11-16T01:04:03.611-05:00.I heard you were looking for me.We all want the same thing.Bianca Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00790292802035950650noreply@blogger.comBlogger785125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003900363519900001.post-40044745894570437092017-04-07T21:11:00.002-04:002017-04-07T21:11:11.528-04:00*twiddles thumbs.<div>
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the healing is unfamiliar so sometimes i don't know how to process what's happening so i react or cry or sleep or over eat or keep to myself</div>
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detachment is unfamiliar</div>
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feels like i'm walking a tight rope but i finally feel the step</div>
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i know what i want because i have to pull myself out</div>
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not complaining has really put things into perspective for me. i feel more matured.</div>
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i feel like an adult </div>
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i just hope that i'm doing it right this time.</div>
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trying everything in a different outside my norm because my norm wasn't working</div>
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(sigh)</div>
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i'm too hard on myself</div>
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this has been a process </div>
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oo, i feel detached</div>
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that's sad</div>
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it's so far in the distant, that it's blurry.</div>
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unbelievable</div>
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but things can only go up from here</div>
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but sometimes, i feel just a little brush of the joy & cry for them. </div>
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those lovers.</div>
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"what happened, had to happen."</div>
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apparently but oof sometimes i cry.</div>
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growth. </div>
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another lesson learned.</div>
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*sigh</div>
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Bianca Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00790292802035950650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003900363519900001.post-80592039954772737492016-12-03T18:50:00.001-05:002016-12-03T18:50:11.735-05:00GoldenI turned 27!!!<br />
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It was my golden birthday on November 27th. I've always wanted to have a big 27th birthday party but was unable to pull it together in the way that I truly wanted so I opted to a vacation instead. I went to Playa Del Carmen, Mexico by myself on my first solo trip. I've traveled to France by myself 5 years ago, but I met up with people once I got there and I've been to 11 different states this year, so I've gotten used to traveling on long flights and I've also gotten used to being in my own company.<br />
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I have to admit, I never, ever thought I would have been bringing in my birthday the way that I did. Not only was I not having the big party that I wanted, I was also going to be spending my most special birthday alone. I really love celebrating the birthday's of those close to me. It's your special day. It just makes me feel so good! I don't know, I like to celebrate people so I wanted to make sure I would get that on my day. I asked my sisters and friends and no one was able to come. I just couldn't have spent my big birthday in gloomy, NJ especially if I couldn't have had celebrated in the way I wanted. So, I booked my trip and was on my way.<br />
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I stayed at the Princess Yucatan all-inclusive resort. It was beautiful! I was the only black person there. That was interesting lol. Mexico was a great experience. A lot of people expressed being nervous about the country, but I enjoyed myself there. I went on a tour of the Mayan Ruins in Tulum. I even snorkeled in a cenote (underwater cave) and lagoon that lead out into the sea. I saw Rainbow Parrot fish, monkey's, deer, snake trails, crocodiles and lemurs. The resort was filled with couples so not only did I feel safe but I didn't have to worry about anyone trying to hook up with me.<br />
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I did have my lonely moments though. I had a moment of holding onto the past right before I left but I just had to look past it. It would have been amazing to have someone there but I'm glad that I've reached a point where I don't allow it make me sad anymore. I used to be so sad about being alone but now I'm starting to change my views and through that, my feelings about it are changing, too. I'm thankful that I'm able to see that because when all of this was happening and I ended up booking this trip alone, I was so annoyed that I had to experience this. I was nervous about facing it. I just didn't want to spend my entire birthday trip crying all alone. But I went and didn't even drop a tear. I did think about it but I didn't cry and I didn't think about it for that long. #progress<br />
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It was great to spend time with myself. Through this, I am learning what I like and don't like, need and don't need. This trip gave me the exact insight that I needed in this new chapter. Chapter 27.<br />
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I encourage you to take a solo trip!Bianca Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00790292802035950650noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003900363519900001.post-90546590245443356392016-10-30T19:10:00.000-04:002016-10-30T19:10:09.378-04:00Prayerfest 2016There are moments in our lives, where we can feel our soul reaching for refuge. I was at that place. <div>
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Apologies if my content is or has been sad. This year, I have been very vocal about my disdain but to be completely fair in my assessment, I have been blessed to experience continuous growth. I was shown and had to deal with my weaknesses this year. While in the pain, I didn't realize how strong I had been to even tackle my weaknesses. I had to look the pain and problem in the face and decide that I was no longer going to be living in a state of insanity. I was doing the exact same thing over and over expecting different results. My problems weren't changing no matter how much I prayed for the problem to change. But the issue was that I was praying for the problems to change and not for personal change. I didn't realize that I was still a component of what the problem was derived from and in order to see the true change, all aspects of that problem needed adjusting, including myself. </div>
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So I've been wrestling with the discomfort that's associated with moving from a dormant state. Some of my muscles had been comatose and needed to learn mobility again. It was a challenge and I was finally learning to accept with the help of hope on my side. I was hopeful with my eyes on the prize. I was reading "The Secret" and being positive with this experience. I rolled with the punches, learned to release the "control", if you may, I thought I had? I had to get to the place where I for real, surrendered it all. I laid it out there and walked away from it. But in that sense of surrender, I've lost hope.</div>
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I've lost hope. </div>
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I've been called whimsical and a dreamer. I feel naive. So very naive. And unrealistic. Which is a very strange place for me to be in because it really is the opposite of my core. It's a big let down and in this process, it's crippled my enthusiasm. I know that things will get better and I will forget these emotions and the memories of this place, but the hope that I had to pass the time, has ceased and things began to feel numb. </div>
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So I went to prayerfest and it was JUST what I needed. There had to have been about 500 people in attendance of prayer. The day, October 21st, was dedicated to praying with your neighbors, being on one accord. When I heard about the day, something in my soul moved and I knew that it was going to bring me the peace that I had been looking for. We started the day with repentance, primarily dealing with the issues that you truly want to turn away from. Believing and knowing that you're done holding those emotions and baggage surrounding whatever thing you just can't let go. I desperately gave up complaining and thinking negatively. Like I threw it at the altar and didn't look back. After repentance, we prayed for others. It was in those truly raw moments, praying for others did the break really come for me. This entire time, I've been so focused on myself and issues that that's all I kept praying and dwelling on. After I finally the complaining and negative emotions go, I didn't focus on myself much after that. By the end of my experience, I realized I hadn't even thought about the things I usually prayed for which obviously were the things I complained about not having or being unhappy about. </div>
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When I left, I felt the reset. I feel the peace brewing up in my soul again. No, I'm not quite as hopeful as I was, but I am feeling the peace and maybe even a little passion. I don't know. I have to admit, I am treading lightly but I am ready for the next phase of this lesson.</div>
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I've been taking a break from social media. I can say that #onhere because I don't think this counts. I make guest appearances. In my self reflection and repentance, I realized that I compare myself too much to the lives of those around me. As a long distance runner, I should be the biggest advocate of knowing and understanding that life is a marathon and not a sprint. But honestly, it's tough at times. </div>
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I feel like the world is against me for so many reasons. I can't make that much money because I'm a black woman. I most likely won't come out of poverty because I am a single black woman. There's like a 50% chance I won't get married because I am an educated black woman. Don't get me started on the prison systems and how that's against blacks. These truths and actions of today really have me down. No matter how big I dream or try and bust my ass, it's still scary.</div>
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Butttttt #woosah. I will be alright. And I've made it this far. I am stronger then I give myself credit for. I am stronger than the haters thought I wasn't. </div>
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If you read all of this, you're loyal. </div>
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Bianca Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00790292802035950650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003900363519900001.post-36416894801547574642016-10-30T13:09:00.000-04:002016-10-30T13:09:48.753-04:00Don't Do Nothing Unless Your Heart's In It!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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A little over 2 years ago, when I was working at <i>Katie</i>, I was selected to be featured in the Creative Minds Group's Alumni Spotlight. I participated in the Creative Minds Group's internship at the Cannes Film Festival in 2011, just one day after graduating from Hampton University. It was my first time flying across the world alone, my first time in Europe and my first post-college experience in the industry. Through the years, I've kept in contact with the CMG and its team and they decided to feature my progress post Cannes. </div>
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My mom happened to fall upon this video about 2 weeks ago. I had never seen it until recently. It came in perfect timing, as I'm still making my way through the industry, it was great to see what I had overcome. It was good to remember the goals that I set while I was there and see how I was able to touch every single goal set. </div>
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#justkeeppushing</div>
Bianca Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00790292802035950650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003900363519900001.post-90960035907833447662016-10-10T18:59:00.000-04:002016-10-10T18:59:26.275-04:00Darker and ColderThe weather patterns are back to how it was when things changed.<br />
This is the last part of the test. If I can make it through this year, the years to follow should be a piece of cake.<br />
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Here I am again, feeling the cold breeze that's back to remind me.<br />
The sun isn't shining as long as it used to. I'm back to being engulfed in the darkness. Trying to make my final escape from this dark hole.<br />
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The fall leaves are dropping my hopes and enthusiasm that I planted during the spring full of promise. The let downs are falling one last time.<br />
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I'm cautiously awaiting for the snow, the final burial. Putting to rest the dreams that will never come true. Learning to accept in the darkness.<br />
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Almost at one year. If I can make it through 2016, I can make it another year.<br />
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The coldest winter ever is approaching. I've made it this far.<br />
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I don't even feel the same. I am searching so deep for optimism. For faith. I feel so hopeless. I am afraid to try. i feel so numb. I feel forgotten. How do I fix me? Where do I begin? What do I even say?<br />
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I just need to face this cold winter and it will be over before I know it.<br />
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I wish I was stronger. I hope I'm stronger in 2017.<br />
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<br />Bianca Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00790292802035950650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003900363519900001.post-16505624702008319222016-10-03T19:13:00.001-04:002016-10-03T21:02:04.129-04:00I'm not one for self discipline. Don't get me wrong, I can discipline myself but to refrain from what I love has always been tough.<br />
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Today I woke up with forgiveness on my heart. I've always been one to pray for the skill to quickly forgive others. It's a great thing because I never hold a grudge but it's bad because I don't always walk away with a lesson learned. It's like instead learning to avoid touching fire, I only remember that I was healed.<br />
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I always admired the discipline of my one friend. He could resist anything. This year he shared some things that have stuck out more than any advice he's ever given me. At first the words stung but I'm thankful because if they would have never been shared, I wouldn't have grown to know self discipline. Every day something in me wants to reach but then I remember the sting and the burn and it keeps me away. I forgive but I can't forget that feeling.<br />
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I guess this is me seeing the bright side.Bianca Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00790292802035950650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003900363519900001.post-79518814937737379872016-09-11T17:12:00.000-04:002016-09-11T17:12:05.634-04:00Chicago<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Last month I went to Chicago to transform a local basketball court into an art mural for the community by the community. I've been blessed to manage/produce/execute (whatever you'd like to say), I've been owning this Courtside Collection project. I've gotten the opportunity to work in Atlanta, Dallas, Chicago and next up Houston. I've met some amazing people in some really great communities. Each trip has brought on a new life insight. </div>
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Check out Chicago:</div>
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<br />Bianca Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00790292802035950650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003900363519900001.post-58498507308883813922016-06-07T10:56:00.000-04:002016-06-07T10:56:16.880-04:00Know Your WorthI just asked my department head for a raise in salary. I asked because unfortunately I've been experiencing a major lack since I was let go from my job at Viacom, in March 2015. It's been over a year that I've been regularly attending the food bank in order to keep food in my belly. As I'm coming up on a year at my current place of employment and after really digesting my expenses and considering my life in the years to come, scraping by off of food bank groceries isn't working out for me. Busting my ass for a company that I believe in, that I invest all of my time and creative energy in while barely making any money isn't the dream.<br />
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I was declined the request. I was told that it would be sacrificing from someone else.<br />
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One of the biggest lessons I've learned this year was my worth. I'm work way more than what these people determine is okay to pay me. And because of knowing my worth and believing in what I'm worth, I'm okay with her answer. It gave me the push and encouragement I need to stand by the number that aligns with the time and creative energy I give to someone else's pockets.<br />
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Is it disappointing that my company feels that way towards me, yes. Is this something that will make me stronger? Absolutely.<br />
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I'm worth more than what I've been given and I'm thankful for the courage that I received to stand up for myself.<br />
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Where to next?Bianca Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00790292802035950650noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003900363519900001.post-19153919478783987762016-06-02T22:01:00.003-04:002016-06-02T22:01:42.279-04:00What Do You Have To Lose?Ambitious: Having or showing a strong desire to succeed.<br />
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It's 6 months into 2016. What the hell are you waiting for?<br />
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This year like all years has been pretty insightful. I'm teaching myself how to let go and in the process, I've learned so much about the power of positive thinking. But I mean the entire reasons for thinking positively makes the most sense in the world. Why wouldn't you want to emit thoughts that keep you feeling good and confident?<br />
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My advice for the year 26 was to know what I want. At the time I was told this advice, I wasn't quite sure what prompted that person to say that. I immediately thought, am I really that indecisive that that would be my advice? I'm actually now just even remembering that comment and am seeing how important those words are ringing to be true.<br />
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In order to get the things that you truly want, you all you have to do it ask, believe and receive. Even the bible says it. You have to know and feel with all of your being, the things that you want, and you have to know that it's yours. You have to confidently declare, state, scream to the world, what's yours. Whatever you have a passionate feeling about - whether that be passion caused by happiness or sadness, you will get what you're feeling so strongly about. I'm saying this from experience. I've only really truly started noticing these things this year.<br />
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However, a big lesson for me is learning that I have to hold those values true to all aspects of my life. There are real things that I've asked for but now I can honestly say that I don't think I truly believed that they would be mine. Some examples of that are self confidence with my outer appearance and my wanting a real, true relationship. I've been so insecure about those two issues that sometimes it's so hard to remember what I want and to just focus on the joy I feel when thinking of those things. Instead, I can feel so strongly the disappointment of looking at photos or in the mirror and not liking what I see. I can feel the disappointment of a failed relationship to the point of tears. To be consumed with negative thoughts that YOU create is a very dark place to be in. I'm still learning how to recognize that the only thing that matters is knowing what I want and knowing that as a child of God, I am guaranteed those things.<br />
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God is so good though. There are so many things that I talk about, think about and feel good about that have come to pass. Today for instance, I saw Gwen Stefani in concert with a coworker. Just about a month and a half ago, I came across this Gwen Stefani song and shared it with said coworker. I literally listened to that song for weeks and today I was randomly asked to attend and she sang the song I love. Another example is that almost every time I think about free lunch, I get lunch provided at work. Those are just the simplest of things to me and it's that simple, childlike desire and request, that constantly reminds me to keep my thoughts in line. The key thing to remember here is that the only thing stopping these desires to come to pass is my own self doubt or negative thinking but it's really my disbelief in what I want. Once I begin to let fear come in, it delays. And being a millennial with this microwave mentality that I have, delay isn't what I'm here for.<br />
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With that being said, lately I've been feeling and seeing all that I've been desiring and asking for come to fruition. I'm aiming for really big asks. There's absolutely no reason why I shouldn't have the life that I desire especially when there is an abundance of happiness, joy, money and opportunity for everyone. The only thing stopping you is you. You get what you think about whether you like it or not. This year I started exercising, eating better and declaring my love for myself. Since then, my body is looking the best that it ever has. I'm so impressed with myself. I also started really believing in the relationship that I deserve. I've let go of the past and have forgiven those whose actions and words echo loudly when I start thinking the worst. I've recognized that I control how long my God given joy lasts.<br />
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What kind of life are you thinking of? What dream do you truly believe in?<br />
If you haven't started living this way, what's stopping you? What's holding you back from succeeding?<br />
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I'm so excited about the present!Bianca Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00790292802035950650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003900363519900001.post-61681713851117124842016-05-17T15:09:00.002-04:002016-05-17T15:09:48.664-04:00< 3 I'm in such a mushy mood.<br />
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This morning, I woke up with love in my core. As I was praying for you, I felt my emotions in my heart. My heart was beaming for you as I thanked God for the attributes that you have. The piece that completes the puzzle of my heart. I even felt two or maybe four tears fall as I continued my prayer with a smile.<br />
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To receive love, real true love, is such a blessing.<br />
To feel the acceptance that you give me, while at times I'm just simply being me, unapologetically.<br />
To experience who you are at your core. To receive your support - it's truly unmatched.<br />
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In the past I used to be fearful and wonder what did I do to deserve this.<br />
Now I've accepted this love and realize there is nothing to fear. I know I deserve this. I was made for to deserve this love. That must be the reason why I'm so mushy.<br />
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The joy of your companionship - to know and truly feel your presence here with me. The feeling can't be compared to anything in the world. Tackling the world side by side. Picking each other up when one slips. Reaching the finish line, cheering each other on.<br />
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Immersed in your flaws and you in mine, identifying and protecting the strengths. Guiding and advising towards the road to better habits, choices and words.<br />
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Going through the tough times, only to come out stronger. Being able to last the test of time, maturity and faith in order to overcome those tough times.<br />
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Experiencing the world together. Every where I go, every place I chose to explore, seeing you there with me. Enjoying the wonders together. Priceless moments. Thank for you that.<br />
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Thank you for truly keeping me in mind. Your thoughtfulness. The fact that you think about me in the way that I need. In the way that works for us*. I was told to be encouraged in regards to the desires of my heart and to not give up. Your thoughtfulness is heaven sent. You make me feel like the most special person in the world. Your love is so pure.<br />
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To know that you love me, you truly love me. I'm so thankful for you.Bianca Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00790292802035950650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003900363519900001.post-1914969106077021792016-04-25T17:09:00.001-04:002016-04-25T17:09:34.058-04:00Hit Em With The Flex<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Check out this gallery, event and video I produced.</div>
<br />Bianca Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00790292802035950650noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003900363519900001.post-72546766378889396632016-02-22T12:53:00.001-05:002016-02-22T12:53:09.346-05:00Summer16I'm on a plane today headed to Los Angeles to produce my first photo shoot. What makes this task different is the fact that this is the first time that I get to travel for work. Now is when it starts. By it, I mean the travel aspect of my career. I remember just like 3 weeks ago, feeling frustrated at work, thinking that I never get the opportunity and here I am. Opportunity is mine. It's here! A lot of tears and frowns but I did it. Now I have to kill it.<div>
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So much has changed in these past couple of weeks.</div>
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There has been a prayer of mine that I've been crying and pleading to God about for as long as I can remember. It has yet to be answered. I'm at the point where I can't do anything else. I've tried all that I can do and in that exhausted feeling, I also feel bad. Bad that my efforts produced nothing. I don't understand why God won't change this. If the situation can't change, at least change my emotions. Change how devastating it all feels. </div>
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I'm trying to remember that God comes through. In due time is what people say.</div>
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Just last year, I was at a job where I was a department assistant, I barely got out of the office. I got laid off, without knowing why and that was very hard for me to deal with and it was a blessing because it lead me to this. Now one year later I'm traveling for work. I'm being proactive. I'm producing. I'm a producer! I've made it.</div>
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But in this success, there's a parallel sadness. I'm sad that I can't share this moment with people who aren't here. I'm trying my best to just see the positive in all of this. I know that God loves me and things work out for me, they always have but the discouragement is so very tough.</div>
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As a woman, there are certain needs - basic needs that we have. My needs are attention, romance, effort, honesty, support and love. How do you explain that to someone? Aren't those things common sense? Even if you didn't know, nowadays with social media, any one can see how and what needs are. How do you think it feels for a woman to tell a man to love her? How do you think it feels for a woman to tell her father to love her? When you look around and see that men get it. There are men out there that just get it. </div>
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Who gets me? </div>
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Who tries for me?</div>
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I'm trying to push through and be happy for myself. Be proud of what I've accomplished in these 4 years of working. Now is when I have to prove myself for work but I'm terrified that I'm going to become that successful black woman without the family. I can't help that things are going well in this category. I've tried. I've cried. I've settled. I've watched my needs go to the wayside. </div>
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I'm trying to remember that you get what you think about. So I listen to love songs, to our love songs, to my love songs. In attempt to attracting and gaining. I was so close. It was different. I felt it.</div>
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Guess you were right.</div>
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Bianca Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00790292802035950650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003900363519900001.post-87528766340089274652015-12-30T20:18:00.001-05:002015-12-30T20:18:19.219-05:002016Today, I got a call from a beloved Pastor that I know who has really been a sort of therapist for me this year. He had been sick and quite honestly I called him to talk to him about my issues but when I heard his voice, and heard the sickness still in him, I felt convicted for my selfishness and made the call entirely about him. As he was talking to me about his surgery and what he endured for the past month, he was truly dropping gems and as I was just meditating on the conversation, I heard God tell my spirit, "You already have what you've been crying and asking for, work on the foundations. Where is your faith? Your joy? Your trust? This New Year will never be the same and once you come into that place, my presence, you'll stop the crying."<div>
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And even now, typing this out, I heard more of the revelation and just had to share with someone. I do have what I've been crying, asking and begging for. It's already mine. I finally feel the comfort, the stern comfort that I've been reaching out for. Just as I just declared to the world what my New Year prayers would be, I felt it instantly. </div>
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I'm asking God for continuous peace, love, joy, understanding, wisdom and comfort in 2016. Those foundations guarantee my true desires. Learning those foundations are the key that I need to unlock the door to life and life more abundantly. </div>
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The Pastor was telling me that I deserve the best. Expect Greater. I feel so great and most importantly so confident in knowing that those abundant desires, those great expectations, the very best mentality, it wasn't given to me for no reason. But I have major things to work on and I see that. It's time to build the foundation!</div>
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I encourage you all to do the same. </div>
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This of course comes at no better time than now. I'm excited for this! I'm expecting big things with God.</div>
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Bianca Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00790292802035950650noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003900363519900001.post-28239399547547585022015-11-25T23:57:00.003-05:002015-11-25T23:57:29.814-05:0025th Year RecapLook what we have here.<br />
Yet another year completed and my has this year been an interesting one. 25 literally kicked my butt. I've never cried so much in my life. The amount of days I've cried, probably equates to a month and a half straight. I was literally shaken in every aspect of my life.<br />
<br />
I looked financial issues right in the face. Right in the eyes. After being laid off from the best paid job I've ever had in March, it really scared me. I thank God for the job looking back because I was able to purchase all the essentials. I moved out, got a laptop, created a good savings, things were looking up for me. I thought I would have made an investment by November! By now! But with the lay-off came major fears and tears. I had severance, but that's not nearly half of what I was making. So it was a major shift to pay off my responsibilities while receiving payment that equated to my broke ass experience working at the Katie Show. It was scary. Living in the Tri-State area and working in New York City for the media industry, in itself is a hard job. It's so ideal, so it's so hard to land something good, decent and staffed. Then when you do finally get the job, sometimes the pay doesn't match the street cred. All the while, there's like over 150 people sometimes 1000 people applying to these jobs. For three months, I sat home and cried and applied. That was the routine.<br />
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With not being able to find a job, I experienced a major shift in my self-esteem. I didn't feel good at all. I really only looked at my misfortunes, often times at heightened levels. There were times when I couldn't even look in the mirror because I was so miserable about all the things I failed at. It really took a lot of prayer and forgiveness to get me back to where I needed to be. Not forgiveness meaning forgiving others necessarily, but forgiving myself.<br />
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Naturally all these things affected my relationships with people. I've had major shifts in my relationships. In family, friends and lover. I had to learn to forgive and let go. To really get to a place where you can learn to trust again. That's hard to deal with period and I don't think I would have ever really learned that, if it wasn't for that experience. With the person that I had this issue with being a family member, the road to recovery moved at a rapid pace. With friends, the letting go process was different because there was no anger for why I wanted to let go. This was more of a weirder place because unlike the sudden shift from my family experience, this was over time. The changes in relationships (more than 1) have been slowly moving like the earth - you don't feel it happening until you look up at the clouds and see them moving. That kind of thing. I was frustrated, confused and hurt. It's hard to let go of that hurt but I did and saw the shift, though sad, but necessary.<br />
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Lastly, my lover is moving away. Even with no negative shifts in the relationship portion, the shift of distance, interest, surroundings can be profound. Where does that leave me? What did I accomplish from that relationship? How do I see my value and worth? How has it changed? What did I fail at? There are tons of questions that go through your head. What will it then be like? Good changes? Bad changes? What if you never find someone else? What if you find someone else? How will you let go? Will you let go?<br />
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In every situation, I felt myself falling backwards. I could lay back and feel myself falling. And as soon as I would think that that thump, that crash was approaching, God would just catch me. No, my finances aren't where they were in the beginning of the year, but I have 3 jobs now! Two part time and one full time. I've found ways to get to my goal closer. I found another media industry job. A job that's showing me a totally different way of making money while still doing what you enjoy. This job's title also allows me to get a job anywhere and not just in the Tri-State area. Maybe I should take a job in another state. Give myself a new life experience. My car died right before I got a new job and I was lucky enough to have some money saved up and got a new car! With all the bad experiences, I was able to learn something new. I've learned a lot about faith and listening to God.<br />
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Now onto 26. Here's to you and what you bring!<br />
<br />
P.S.<br />
Do I say I'm in my mid-twenties now?Bianca Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00790292802035950650noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003900363519900001.post-36968543520669002692015-10-06T20:02:00.001-04:002015-10-06T20:02:15.504-04:00Ever present habits, patterns and cyclesYou get what you think about whether you want it or not.<br />
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Life has been great.<br />
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Life hasn't been so great.<br />
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Sounds like...every one's got the same story. Here's what I've been up to lately..<br />
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My whiteboard at home (I've got two, one for home and the other for work) reads "You cannot talk defeat and expect t have victory. Send your words out in the direction you want your life to go!"<br />
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Here's why it's been relevant --<br />
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Everything that's happened to me this year has been a product of a thought. Whether the thought belongs to me or someone else, it's all a product of thinking. This year has taught me to be 100% mindful and as much in control of my thinking (in terms of guiding it out of the darkness when it occasionally slips and falls) and with controlling my thoughts, I'm able to not shape my destiny - because that's where God's will comes into play, but I'm able to control my emotions.*<br />
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(Emotions will be the key word here.)<br />
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I've seen the most action in every relationship of my life this year. 25 has shown me how to forgive, how to argue, how to be patient and how to surrender. However, I must say that so far, my biggest challenge is keeping those people in prayer who haven't grown or who aren't growing/moving at the same rate/speed that I am. Also, it's been very hard for me to trust once I've been shown shady behavior. That has been what's hardest. However there's a trick*, lesson*, blessing* that I've learned to adapt in my daily life that's slowly but surely helped the process of forgiveness for me and that's being mindful of how I react by controlling my emotions and always try my best to speak positivity over the situation. I'm sure every one has come across a person - friend, coworker, family member - that's done something hurtful or has shown you a side of them that it's hard for you to overlook or move forward from. Instead of me constantly sharing the story of the defeat, annoyance or offense (ooh, offense is the perfect word for this statement), I just pray for them. I focus on better times and happier moments, bringing that aura of peace back into the picture. However, there is only so much that I can do. Which is the sentiment of everyone. When you're constantly fighting a draining battle, the first instinct is to give up. Why do I have to put up with this? I'm learning to continue to press. Though I can control my emotions, thoughts towards better days and attitude, I can't control what people look for when they interact with me.<br />
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Look for peace to receive peace.<br />
You reap what you sow.<br />
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What kinds of seeds are you sowing? Or rather, what's the product of your harvest? Were you planting shady seeds and now in return getting them? Were you selfish? Were you untrustworthy? No one is perfect and yes, even I play the role of the bad guy. I've had my share of days in the dog house. But what are you doing to fix that? And when you're being mistreated, how are you behaving?<br />
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Are you forgiving?<br />
Am I forgiving?<br />
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What have I been sowing?<br />
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Isn't life grand? :)<br />
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<br />Bianca Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00790292802035950650noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003900363519900001.post-1728911927529221252015-08-24T15:20:00.003-04:002015-08-24T15:20:32.097-04:00BalanceGod and life.<br />
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I've been finding that as I'm getting older and am really looking for, paying attention to and have been super thankful for the blessings that I've received through prayer, that I get nervous afterwards. What do you mean, Bianca?</div>
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First, I know that God doesn't give me anything to sin with it. So in my steadfast prayers of love and family, I often feel the pressures of sin and God taking it away because of my weakness. That really freaks me out. I catch myself thinking, well this person doesn't even believe in God and look at how God blesses them, but I know better and that's what separates me from everyone else. I also shouldn't be comparing the way things are happening for me vs others around me (but I will admit that it's extremely hard when people love to share their good news and the constant overshare culture that we live in, almost makes you feel like you have to announce all the good things that God has given you.)</div>
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Secondly, once I've given my blessings, I sometimes find myself no longer in that place of need from God. That also really freaks me out. I don't want to put the happiness from the blessing in front of God. Because then I feel like God will take it away, that the happiness will be short lived. It's so easy for me to put God in the backseat, even if it's just for a minute, to enjoy the thing I prayed so hard about. </div>
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I'm trying to find a balance. Making sure that I'm genuine with my worship and relationship with God as well as enjoy the happiness and blessings that He gives me. I find that whenever I'm in a place of unhappiness, was it because I wasn't doing what I am supposed to be doing?</div>
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It's hard at times for me. I don't want to be the reason why I'm unhappy or not receiving blessings. It's hard for me to watch others get the things I desire while knowing that they don't even acknowledge God. I know that my battle is different than others but I'm just trying to make sure I do everything right so I can feel balanced happiness. From receiving blessings and obeying God.</div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">What do you think?</span></div>
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Bianca Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00790292802035950650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003900363519900001.post-69717373426200288692015-08-19T16:27:00.000-04:002015-08-19T16:27:17.621-04:00'Murica<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Is it odd for me, being a young black woman to kind of understand the thinking of the angry white middle class?</span><br />
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Let me further explain.</div>
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Black lives matter. </div>
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But all lives matter. As a black woman, I look at my family, interns, coworkers with fear and anxiety because I don't want their precious lives to be taken away. Black people are often targeted, harassed and murdered by the hands of police. In that regard, yes our lives matter. No one wants to put their child, father, loved one in the ground because of a police altercation. But what really frustrates me is that we aren't chanting that ALL lives matter. It's no secret that racism is here, living, breathing and working in America. For whatever reasons, racism has always been here and I truly believe that by adding my name to the "Black Lives Matter" list, I'm adding to that ongoing, never ending cycle of racism. I think the focus should be that all lives matter and not just blacks. I see why the slogan is important because too often, being a black person, you are disregarded, you don't get the privilege, you don't get the job or the salary or if you do, you don't get the colleagues that look like you. But shouldn't we be preaching acceptance? I know it's hard to say this or even think this way when black culture is "America's culture" where everyone wants to talk, dress, dance, and act like black Americans, but no one wants to be them, love them or marry them. That upsets me but I do think that the focus on a color, won't get us anywhere.</div>
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So yes, white middle class, I get that you're over the "Black Lives Matter" movement but please check why you're over it.</div>
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Freedom of speech/religion.</div>
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Do we even have that anymore? Over the past 2 years, the attention, acceptance and welcoming of homosexuality and the transgender community, has been overwhelming. I have my own thoughts and opinions about it which I'd rather not go too much into detail about but what's frustrating is that there are parts of my religious faith that I'm made to feel like I can't discuss because then I'm discriminating or being hateful. I'm being like one of the many white people in my nation's past, that weren't accepting of black people just 50 years ago. That pisses me off. There's no comparison to someone disagreeing with something based on their religion vs having a closed mind. I don't think people should be made to feel like their religion or views no longer matter just because they don't agree with it! Do I think it's fair to discriminate or harass others because you don't agree, no. You should keep your nasty ways and violence to yourself but for me to not be able to openly agree or disagree is upsetting. Especially when we have members of congress that are supposed to be representing you and your views and you're made to feel like they aren't (but politics is a totally different topic).</div>
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- I'm not condoning or understanding actions and racist reasonings of white middle America, I'm just saying, I understand. I think understanding the person on the other side of your conflict is key in making change. I hope you're reading angry white middle America just like I hope black America is too.</div>
Bianca Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00790292802035950650noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003900363519900001.post-20836343285341026312015-08-10T14:01:00.001-04:002015-08-10T14:01:18.052-04:00Don't Fight Battles That Don't MatterIt wouldn't be life if there wasn't a new lesson learned.<br />
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I know it's been a while and for that, I don't have much to say. Things have been busy but it's mainly because I wanted to make sure that I didn't react too quickly or overreact.<br />
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I've learned a lot about "friendship" in these past couple of months. To give a quick synopsis on a couple of messy situations, I've basically experienced a lot of confusion in certain friendships, that new to me, I didn't immediately address once noticed. There were behaviors that were causing me to use this fresh approach to how I handled things.<br />
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Which was to (#1) not take things so personally. Yes, it was quite obvious from not just my observations but third-party confirmation that things were happening with a little shade, however my response wasn't so combative, confrontational or loud. I just observed, learned and relearned the way people moved and are probably still moving.<br />
I then (#2) looked at myself to see where and if I was misplacing blame. I was going through a lot of changes that naturally had effects on my emotions so I wanted to make sure I wasn't looking to place blame on my friends/family/lovers in order to deal (or not deal) with the confusion that I was in.<br />
After that, I (#3) gave it to God. This step is key to my feeling good. I didn't really find anything that I was truly embarrassed about, so I prayed that God would show me what I'm missing and would continue to bless the party(parties) involved. I didn't want to change who I am because of something I didn't really understand. I won't be petty or sneaky or even match the shadiness that I felt. That part was very hard but I just didn't want to give someone a reason to mistreat me, despite the thoughts and advice to do otherwise.<br />
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-The Wrap Up-<br />
We only have so much emotional energy each day. "DON'T FIGHT BATTLES THAT DON'T MATTER." I learned that though this is my friend, someone who has good intentions, someone who has shown immense loyalty to me, it's okay to not give it emotional energy. It's okay to let time pass without mentioning an issue that may not really and truly have anything to do with you. It's okay to observe someone close to you be shady, disloyal or whatever the personal infliction may be. What's not okay is fighting a battle that doesn't matter. Giving life to something that's meant to be dead.<br />
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I hope that somehow, whoever is reading this, can embrace these steps that have helped me with dealing with people close to you. If you're able to move on from some kind of issue, it's completely okay to keep a distance. There's a friend of mine who will always be at arm's reach and though that person has the best intentions, the amount of negativity and constant shade is LOUD. It's something I can't ignore but it no longer bothers me because of the distance that's there.<br />
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That's all I've got while I deal with life. :)<br />
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How are you?!Bianca Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00790292802035950650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003900363519900001.post-85003762818498262402015-06-02T09:34:00.000-04:002015-06-02T09:34:32.400-04:00"What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."As I've grown closer to God, I've also grown to know and understand the importance of truly loving your neighbor and most importantly, forgiveness. In the past, I would find myself in these relationships with people, primarily men, to where I would be "suddenly" cut off, silenced, ignored, or not responded to. In growing, I've learned that though some of the fault was rightfully mine, a lot of the sudden distance was because of that person's own issues or insecurities. So because of the personality of God, I would too often look past the hurt of being abandoned and forgive. Placing a bandaid on a wound that needed stitches, only for the wound to be reopened by yet another "friend."<div>
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I just couldn't understand why this kept happening to me. Energy flows where attention goes and I wasn't consciously thinking about how the next person was going to just one day decide to never respond to me again. I didn't put that kind of energy or action out in the world, so I didn't understand why all this was "coming back around" to me. But as I've grown, I've learned that life is about learning a lesson. And this time around, I think I've learned.</div>
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I've always heard the saying "he'll be back." Always. And it's true, they always come back but this time around, you're not welcomed to being my friend. I can love you like I'm supposed to, forgive you like I should but keep you at a distance. We all will make mistakes and cross lines at some point in a friendship/relationship. We are flawed, imperfect people. However, there should be certain attributes that we should hold with upmost respect and when those attributes have been toyed with, disregarded or disrespected, then once you forgive, I don't think a friendship/relationship should be amended. I've learned who you are, what you do and respect it enough to not allow you in my life anymore. </div>
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This is the first time, in a long, where a "he" has come back and the door is closed. You are not a friend. You never were a friend and the last petty, silence was very loud. So loud that I don't need, desire or want you that close. There was something so strong that drew me so close to you. Something I've only felt one other time with someone else but this was new. You excited the woman I was/am growing into. I thought wow, this had to be real. You completed shattered by "I've never done this" list, only to abandon me not once, but twice. The second time being at a moment where I felt at my lowest. And here you go, you pop up again, or you try. I'm assuming you're bored. Maybe you want to see how open you can get me, how naked will I get for you this time, how far will I travel thinking I'm meeting you halfway but when you simply want me to take every step towards you while you don't budge. </div>
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I have no regrets. I won't change my openness or my love for being naked. All I have is gratefulness. I'm grateful for your disrespect, disregard and selfishness because without it, I wouldn't have found the strength to say no. I wouldn't have had it in me to just read your text and not reply. I wouldn't have finally learned the lesson. In some weird way, I truly loved what we had. I had so much faith towards it. The opportunity and love (to me, anyways) seemed endless. The world could've been ours. But I was just dreaming. So the world is yours separately from the world being mine, as it was supposed to be.</div>
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Thank you for teaching me how to say no. </div>
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Thanks, but no thanks.</div>
Bianca Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00790292802035950650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003900363519900001.post-91324191787710408562015-06-02T09:05:00.001-04:002015-06-02T09:05:16.137-04:00When Praises Go Up...Blessings come down!<br />
I got a new job and a new car. God blessed me immensely. I feel as if I don't deserve it but that's just the enemy trying the never-ending try. I am thankful for God's blessings.Bianca Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00790292802035950650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003900363519900001.post-89465444850817212482015-05-20T19:46:00.001-04:002015-05-20T19:46:48.909-04:00Just let me get this off my chest.Hi readers, followers, or those of you that just stumble across this post.<br />
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I've been faking. Faking for a while now. These past two months have been a whirl-wind. Things have been shifted, flipped and changed completely. I was laid off from work. At first, I was embarrassed to address the changes because it was embarrassing when it all happened. But whatever. When things started to go left, I cried. To be honest, I cried for 30 days straight and have weekly moments to this day. I kept crying out to God, begging him to reveal to me what the challenge was in this storm. What did I have to learn in order to pass the test and how can I learn it quick. Being uncomfortable really sucks! You don't feel good. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror without breaking down. Things were bad.<br />
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But last week, before my half-marathon, the Friday before actually, I begged God. I went over His promises and kept remembering that all you have to do is ask, and know that it's yours. You continue to live your life in the knowing and that's enough. I'll be the first to tell you that tapping into that kind of faith is so hard when you're facing daily obstacles. The world will remind you of how quickly things will shift, change and spiral out of your control. Basically the world will let you know that it's not trustworthy while God is! And once I truly tapped into that, well there's nothing I can do anymore but to rely on God, that's when joy and peace started to manifest.<br />
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And once you know it's yours, all you can do is giggle at the enemy as he tries to shake/break you. But it takes some true fighting to get to that place. I truly felt like Job during this time. Here's the key advice: instead of talking about the climb to the peace, laugh at the attempts made by the enemy and keep it moving. Staying in a mindset of constantly talking about defeat, or a fight, will attract like situations. Not everyone is here to know the climb. There are some people that pray for you and pray against you (which is fine, because I know that the power in my positive prayers, will always outweigh those of negative prayers).<br />
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Things are shifting for me and it's not just in the world but always my levels of maturity but most importantly my faith in God. I'm grateful to not have experienced another anxiety attack but looking back at some of my bad days, I don't even know why I was fretting, I don't really believe that time exists outside of God's timing. We only remember, celebrate or mark milestone events. All other days are a blend of "I can't believe it's already xx."<br />
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All in all, things are great. God has truly watched and covered me during this time. Learned a lot!Bianca Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00790292802035950650noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003900363519900001.post-35963144199404237922015-04-16T15:44:00.001-04:002015-04-16T15:44:30.314-04:00Should Women Be Submissive To Their Men?Wouldn't you like to know?<br />
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<br />Bianca Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00790292802035950650noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003900363519900001.post-78425869486612050662015-04-12T16:34:00.000-04:002015-04-12T16:35:26.503-04:00Official as a whistle.He said "I want you, but not the way you want to be wanted." (or something like that.)<br />
aka you don't want me.<br />
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word.<br />
I'm just trying to pass all the red lights and stop signs.<br />
But Thanks God because I know this only means everything that I need is coming.Bianca Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00790292802035950650noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003900363519900001.post-54374941871438421882015-04-12T14:03:00.002-04:002015-04-12T14:03:52.934-04:00#BuzzB Burner PhoneLe update:<br />
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<iframe width="320" height="266" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/aT0vFBzm0HM/0.jpg" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/aT0vFBzm0HM?feature=player_embedded" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe></div>
<br />Bianca Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00790292802035950650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003900363519900001.post-64094661391607100242015-04-05T09:23:00.001-04:002015-04-05T09:23:20.759-04:00What do you think?Drinking makes me behave in ways I hate and I'm sure there's a man in my phone who also isn't really feeling my erratic behavior.<br />
<br />
I think I'll stop that now.Bianca Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00790292802035950650noreply@blogger.com0