Tuesday, June 14, 2011

.can't be friends.

I was a big, firm believer that people could actually be friends after they've been lovers. I had faith in the whole concept. But now that I realistically think and figure it all out, you really can't be friends. There is a tension that's in the air that's hard to ignore. It's also torture. Why do you want to be friends with someone that you don't want to be with but have had relations with? Why do you value the friendship that much? Why are you keeping the other person around? What are your intentions? How is that fair? Why do you possibly think that that is ok and doable? How can you be so passive about it all? How can you hold back so well? Why do you hold back?

It is torture for me. Yes I want us to be friends, best-friends, because that's how it should be in a relationship. Why would I want to willingly be your friend if there is no progression. Talking every day, attempting to hang out, while holding back isn't fun for me. I'm always holding back. I'm always restrained for some reason and it's not fair to me. I want to let go and just love. Be loose and free and being just friends holds that back. How can I talk to you and see you and not want to kiss you? Not want to truthfully say that I want to spend as much time with you as I can take. That seeing you once a week or every two weeks is just too long for me. That I don't want to look at you because I can't without wanting to touch you.

Maybe you just want to be friends because you can't say that you really don't like me and your excuse of "we are just friends" keeps you away from me considering being close is what I'm used to. That makes more sense to me than everything else.

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