Monday, May 14, 2012

.You look for me and you know I'll be out of sight.

Lately, I've seem to come across the pattern of people talking about how they don't understand why someone has decided to stop talking to them. I've particularly read this on a lot of blogs that I've been skimming through and I have something to say about it. Coming from the other side.

I came across this quote on a blog.

It's kind of messed up, isn't it?
How all of a sudden, someone just wakes up and decides to never talk to you again.
No reason.
No explanation.
No words said.
They just leave you hanging like you never meant anything to them.
And what hurts the most is how they make it look so easy..

Now, personally, I will admit. I am that girl that will stop talking to you. However, before you begin to judge or wonder how is that possible? Think that I never really cared, sit back and think about the role that you've played. Did you hear me when I complained about my unhappiness? Did you push me away and encourage me to walk away? How was our relationship/friendship when you really sit back and think and look at it. Did I have a valid reason to go?

I truly believe that the person who is so shocked at the disappearance has never really looked at the situation as a whole. Even if you don't agree with my reasons for being upset, if I feel like you don't care and you aren't really in fact listening or trying, then why should I stick around. I am a person that often just reacts. I will blurt out what's on my mind before really thinking about the impact that my words have on the person and the situation. So when it's a silent slip away that I've managed to talk myself into, then it's something serious. I feel pathetic for sticking around. Who wants to feel pathetic? I've been humiliated and I often think, "what does this person TRULY think of me?" How could I have sat back and allowed myself to be either walked over, disregarded, disrespected, and left unhappy? Do you deep down think that I'm weak? Do you now think that I'm pathetic? The people who I let in my life, really have a huge impact on me. I look up to them. Their opinion means a lot but if I sit around and let you do things that I think are wrong, or if I don't feel like I'm wanted, then I will in fact go. My actions will match what you are making me feel. Does that mean that it's easy for me? No. But it's easier to look myself in the mirror and know that I'm no longer being pathetic. I'm no longer humiliated. I'm not sticking around for a "friendship" or a relationship that doesn't make me happy. What makes it easier yet is so hurtful at the same time, is that you don't try to see why I've left. To really sit me down and ask me why I'm hurting and how you can make me see that the ignoring, the attitudes, whatever it may be, is not personal, that the friendship means something and you will try to make it better. But when you just let me go, then I know that my pain and my cries, my complaints, my trying, was never truly valued. And after carefully thinking about those things. After sitting down thinking about how far this friendship has come and what I've put into it and what you've put into, when I think about who has disrespected who and who plays what roll, then I decide what's best for me. Friendships/relationships are a two way street and every realfriendship is a relationship. You have to put in time and listen to each other.

If you can't see the frustrations of the other person, then I bet you would be shocked.

Also, some people stop talking and disappear because something tragic has happened in their lives. Especially if things were legit peachy between the two. Then instead of feeling victimized, take the time out to find out what's really going on with that friend.

You have to remember, some people will be in your life forever if you allow them to. Some people won't. It's just something that's a part of life.

It may be easier for me to do and deal with because I've had a lot of people that have walked out on me. Out of my best friends from high school, I'm only good friends with one. Curtis. He's great. He spends time with me, listens to me, hangs out with me. Great friend. All of my other friends who I was very dependent on, have left me. I didn't know what was going on so I reached out and I called and tried and I got rejected. I HATE REACHING AND I HATE REJECTION. Also, I don't have the best relationship with my father. He's distant and just did his thing when I was little -he actually had another family and raised my sister who is 9 months older than me in different states. He wasn't around. And 5 years ago, my step father who raised me, just didn't come home from work on the night before I moved into my college dorm, freshman year. Without a word, he left his family. Yet another person on the list. Maybe that's why it's easy for me to do. Why I understand that things and people aren't going to be around. Maybe that's why I continue to try and reach until I reach the point of humiliation and where I think I'm pathetic. Where I'm so disgusted with myself for not seeing the visible signs of just letting go. Of moving on. And maybe because of the loss of good friends and fathers, I only see moving on and totally detaching myself. By walking away and never looking back. By losing all desire for something that "didn't work out." I'm not a robot. I mourn the loss of all of these close people. I question what it is about myself that no one really sticks around. Why I'm not appealing, but then I realize, maybe it's just a part of life. And I strive and continue to look forward to the next set of people who just may stay and appreciate all that I want to give and most importantly understand that though I can do it, even though "I'll be alright." I don't have it all under control. That I do need reassurance. That feeling special and appreciated is something I've been striving for since I can remember. How long can I pat myself on the back?

Maybe that's why I'm growing to be enigmatic. Seems like the people who I've let in, who were the closest, have all disappeared. Hm Maybe it's because if I feel that instant connection, I will instantly open myself up. Maybe that's where I go wrong?

Not sure.

But I do know that I will disappear.

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