Monday, November 26, 2012

Farewell 22

What an emotional year for me this has been. I've been forced to overcome certain fears and nightmares head on. I'm known for running away from my problems and my feelings. I pretty much put myself through the worst things and I'm almost 99.9% hurting myself. I know what's good for me and what's realistic but I have fanciful dreams that make me feel so much better about things. Makes things a bit easier. This year I cried the same damn tears and I'm honestly over it. I'm completely over feeling bad for myself because he doesn't like me or he doesn't want to be in a relationship or I'm not in the position at work that I deserve to be in. I'm over letting the thoughts and the opinions of everyone else take residency in my mind all the time. I'm tired of trying to prove that I'm good enough to last at the company or I'm cool enough to hang out with or I'm smart enough to talk to.

"22 years old" has made me an insecure, crybaby. I've allowed the words of others to seriously bother me. It was a year of constant reaction to bullshit. I accepted so much bullshit from so many outlets. From parents, siblings, friends, lovers, ex-lovers, co-workers. I've lost myself and my backbone. I'm known to care but I care just way too much. I've let people say and do the most hurtful shit to me and I've allowed them get away with it. I'm not about revenge but I need to put my foot down. I've allowed the passiveness of one parent and abuse of another affect me to the point of literally throwing up. I've become a person who can't handle ANYTHING anymore.

Tomorrow I turn 23. Tomorrow is my new year. I know most people don't believe in the "resolution" idea of things new. "I don't need a new year to do new things" blah blah but forget that and them. I love it. It's a fresh start, a clean plate and SOMETHING NEW. I love new things and honestly the only person who will build my security and stop my tears is me. FUCK him for hurting my feelings and choosing someone else. FUCK them for thinking that I'm weak. FUCK you for acting as if I don't exist only until you need something from me. It's' not the end of the world. Just like I got over the others, I can do the same with these current issues, mishaps and people who show that they don't matter. Not that I'm putting pressure on anyone or anything but I'm just ready to get what I want and that's possible. Meet me halfway type of thing. I'm ready for that and I'm tired of settling. But you've heard that how many times? Right me too. Now it's time to stop bringing the same issues into new years. I'm tired of dealing with the same issues for years. Time to fix things up and move on and accept.

If you're not with it then you're going to be left behind. It's pretty much all or nothing right now.

I'm writing this up here because I have to hold myself accountable for some things. No more placing the blame and sadness on him, you, her, them, dad, mom, but rather being responsible and rational and accepting my faults, flaws, mistake, mishaps, beauty, awesomeness, and good heart.

Man the early 20s is such a growing time. I feel like I'm having a mid-mid20s breakdown. All for what? Because I let too many people dump their opinions on how I should be living my life. Letting them dictate my every move. The amount or lack of control that I have over my emotions is sickening.

That leads me to be thankful for the people that have stuck around and who truly care. I know that I can be a lot to put up with. I have felt the pain and the complaints and nagging of 22. I've disappeared, reappeared, cried and threatened. No more being a baby. and I'm so fucking excited. No more disappearing and reappearing. Time to just let go and breathe.

I'm so excited for this new year. For this change. For leaving all the care and emotional attachments behind. I talk a lot of shit. I'm a huge fronter. If you haven't noticed that about me yet then there you go. But it's about time that I walk the walk that I'm always talking about.

My life is only dramatic because I make it that way. I'm ready to feel the butterflies and love again. I miss that feeling of something brand-new. I miss the honeymoon stages of what was. The innocence. The joy. The happiness. The constant smiles. How do I get back to that girl? Where is she? What has happened to me? My new goal is to cut the shit and snap out of it!

Come on 23! Let's see what you got.

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