Saturday, February 8, 2014

Doesn't Make Me Feel Good

My friend literally just called me and woke me up to ask me what questions I would have to this relationship blogger Derrick Jaxn ( and I immediately huffed and puffed - not because I was awaken (I should be taking my newly gained 5 pounds to the gym), but because these relationship blogs just don't make me feel good. I'm in no way bashing Derrick Jaxn. I admire a man who can talk about relationships and the importance of fighting for them to work, but maybe because of my past fails at attempts to real relationships, it just makes me feel bad.

I always read things like "a man knows from the first time meeting you if he wants to be with you," or "if he hasn't committed by now, he never will." To be honest, those things just hurt me to read or to accept. Who wants to read, "sorry you've been dragged along but there's nothing about you that makes me want to change for you, you just give me what I want and I'm contempt. When I find what I'm looking for, we are done. Until then, open those emotions and those legs." It just hits me so hard because like most women, I was that girl. I know that life is about trial and error. I'm not saying that I didn't expect to go through things. Nothing is easy and though I admire and want that 50 year marriage my grandparents had, I do know that they struggled and fought to make it work. Women sit around and discuss their flaws, upsets and lacks when it comes to their relationship and judge each other based on what we accept but in reality, no one has something absolutely perfect. However, maybe it hits me so hard because I tried so hard? It's just something I will never understand. I know I can be odd, blunt, passive-aggressive, petty but I can also be loving, genuine, understanding and amazing. I just don't understand why someone would want to mistreat me or drag me along. I don't understand why you wouldn't want to spend as much time with me or talk to me everyday. And then when I read things like statements previously mentioned, it's just so hurtful.

I don't want to know why he cheats on me or why I'm not good enough to want to make him change. I don't want to read another blog telling me how I can make the "emotionally unavailable" man open up to me. I don't want tips on how to walk away so that he will know what he's missing. I don't want to experience any of those things. I don't want to wonder because my thinking only leads to me questioning myself. It becomes everything to do with me and nothing to do with him. I like to walk away knowing, hey, maybe some things don't work out and I know that I fought and I was the love that I sought. Wanting to truly know why this man didn't fight for me or ignored me for a week? Seriously? You want to hear the words why? It's the same thing about these "if you don't hear from him on Valentine's Day, you're the side chick, HAHAHA" posts. Why are we glorifying laughing at people's sadness? Why are we shining light to something that feels terrible?

Look, I'm all for relationship blogs when it comes to helping and guiding people who are in relationships to make them better. Sort of like marriage counseling. That's something that I'd like to read. A relationship blog from someone who is happily married for 30 years. I want to know what they have to say. I don't want to relish in negative feelings. Granted, my admitting this may make you think poorly of me or highly. I'm not here for anyone's approval. I may or may not come across as someone with low self-esteem or sad and that's not the case either. I'm all about self-love but I feel questions like that or sometimes blog entries about why, why, why and how to catch a man aren't reflections of positivity. Let's talk about being the best you and feeling comfortable in communicating who you are and how you feel. Isn't that what's key to relationships? Help me figure THAT out.

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