I recently went out for drinks with a guy that I know and of course with every guy on girl conversation, we talked about our dealings and experiences with the opposite sex. With this particular conversation, I asked him questions -- ones that I typically start with "Why do guys..." and I realized immediately that this was going to be a night that I walked away from retracting from men.
Firstly, he never asked me how I felt about anything or what was my opinion. He wasn't interested in anything that I had to say but rather about how much of "the man" he is. There were a lot of gems that I got from the conversation and overall my opinion of the early to middle 20-something-year-old man. I respected his decision to separate himself from true dating until he got his life together. (Apparently that's seeming to be a reoccurring theme/topic of conversation in my life. I'M LISTENING GOD! I'M LISTENING!) But then the conversation switched to sex.
I'm all for sex. It's a beautiful gift to share however, I'm completely withdrawn at the idea of having sex with a stranger. I am terrified of being disregarded and rather being treated like wet meat. He proceeded to explain to me how mature he is about having sex with different women. He knows that he doesn't want a relationship right now because he's not where he wants to be financially. In my mind, that meant that from jump of meeting someone, he already knows that he's emotionally unavailable. So he talks to these girls and tells them that right now he doesn't know if he wants to be in a relationship and he's not saying that he doesn't know if he wants to be with her or not, he basically leaves the door open for them to walk through. He says that he doesn't have sex with other girls that he's talking to but he's just leaving the options open. He doesn't mention this to the girl that he's having sex with because he feels like him telling her from jump, he's unsure of a relationship or not, that's justification to meet girls and flirt and decide if this is the next person he wants to have sex with.
This is terrifying to me. Granted, about 99.9% of the men that I have these conversations with all feel the same. I can't say that I understand, because I don't. My viewpoint of it is, why have sex with me if you know that you don't want to be with me? I can't speak for all women, but I'm not programmed to behave that way. If you tell me that you're unsure about wanting a relationship but you're not saying that all is lost with us, I'm going to continue to talk to you until you figure it out. Is that a mistake of mine? Maybe--probably--yea it is, but as a woman, I'm hopeful. Relationships and growing to love someone takes time. So how could I rely on your quick decision when I can't even rely on mine? That's what dating and building is for. But using me for sex just isn't fair.
The conversation with him just made me feel better about my sexual decisions. I'm terrified to give it up and that's the way that the man thinks of me. I'm not programmed to be handed off, tossed around or to be disregarded. Quick trysts are just simply not my style and that's okay. It's okay that I will wait for the right person. I don't ever want to be the girl on the other side of the conversation. The girl who got sexed and hit with the "next!".
I'm special. I'm worth it. I'm amazing. I'm valued. And I'm not giving it up.
But I do realize that not all men are like that. I'm just observing a lot of immature men which isn't a reflection of me! Let me disclaim! It just continues to show me what kind of man I don't want. I'm grateful for those bar nights.
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