Last night, I had one of those nights.
It started off with showing up late (I hate not being punctual) to dinner only to be probed with the question. You know the "What are you doing after June 12th?" question. It then is typically followed by "Well, are you applying to jobs?" Not sure if you know, but the show that I'm working at has been cancelled and come June 13th, I will be unemployed. I didn't want to particularly cry about it because freelancing and bouncing from job to job seems to be the thing in this industry but for me, it's such a hard idea to accept. Yes, I embrace change but being unemployed and lack of security isn't something that I handle well. It's also hard to see just about all of your surrounding co-workers disappear for the "dream job" they've landed while I've probably applied for the 100th job this year, hoping, praying and positively claiming that this is the one! I can feel it!
But back to the story.
Once I was hit with the questions, I had to politely tell the 16 staring eyeballs, that I didn't really want to talk about that right now. Some of the eyeballs belonged to older people so of course they were rolled and turned into a different direction. I thought to myself, "ah, now where's the food and the glass of red wine." So, as I sat down and ordered my food, the text messages began to come in. Naturally, it was from him telling me about how I should check out the latest dating app. Hmm. I'm sorry sir, but I thought we were dating... I realize that it's not that I'm jealous, because I'm certainly not, it's just that I no longer have the time or the patience for this. You can online date until you're blue in the face. Just know that I will remove myself from this situation because it's either that or me. This is one of those situations were you have to decide. I called, said what I needed to say and just left it there. No need to go back in forth. The power of communication allows things to be said once and time to settle in before decisions are made. I dig it and so I fell back.
Then my teenage sister screamed to my mother "FUCK HER!" in regards to me. I was upset because I wouldn't have been allowed to do half the things and I know that I'm not always correct. I'm a pretty flawed, jaded, mean, selfish person just like the next, but I can say that and move on and honestly try to do better. My younger sister doesn't see my talking to her as a way of helping her and she blurs lines of respect and thinks it's okay to talk to me any kind of way. And to me, my mom just sitting there and not saying anything is just confirmation for her.
Here's what I'm exhausted of. T R Y I N G. It's a sad thing to be exhausted of because that's all what life is about, ya know? But last night, today, right now, that's what I'm tired of. I'm tired of applying to jobs and being rejected. I'm tired of being in this "waiting grounds" for this guy to find the girl he wants to be with. I'm tired of being yelled at, disrespected and having no one on my side at home. Saying negative things to me and/or about me doesn't garner positive behavior. You affirm those behaviors about me and that's what I will become towards you.
You may not be that person who needs positive reassurance every now and then, but I need that. I am that person who needs to hear something wonderful every now and then. I need to hear why I matter, why I'm special, why you're here with me, why you're trying this with me. The silence is suffocating.
I don't want to get trapped in this feeling. I know that I'm amazing. I know that I'm awesome. I am the love that I seek. I'm so talented and skilled and I'm a good worker. I know that I will find the job I love, the man I love and the apartment I love. I know all of these things. But today I don't feel them.
If only things could be so easy as you reading my blog and hiring me for the job that's mine or reading these words and say "What am I thinking? She's so worth it."