Monday, October 6, 2014

You saw the best in me.

I have a notebook. Some call it a diary or journal, but it's my notebook. It's where I jot down all of the annoying feelings that I always want to talk about, where I admit and expose my deepest feelings and/or experiences and where I am the most free. I get a new one every January and write in it throughout the year. It's my memoir. I started it when I was 20 and it's very interesting to see and document the growth, just as I've been doing on this website. Anywho, today, I was reading the book from the beginning and I realized that a lot of things that I wanted, wished and prayed for have been given to me. However, lately things have been so unbalanced within. I have been so blessed and I am forever grateful and appreciative of that, but I've also been oddly unbalanced to the point where I look in the mirror and I can't recognize myself.

Who am I? Who are you? When did you get here? Where did you go?

Those are some questions that I've recently found myself asking, searching deep within for the answers, only to find more of a confusion, let down or worry. 

A couple months ago, I suffered an anxiety attack. Since then, I haven't felt those urges of anxiety or shakiness but that uncertain feeling, lingers.

Honestly admitting, I find that I'm facing issues in my relationships. I don't think that I love those closest to me for who they are but I love the idea of them. I love what I think they should be. How I think they should act. What I think they should say or do or feel or communicate. Earlier today, when I realized that, I felt hollow. How long have I allowed for this to go on? Do I even love you, at all? It's like I see that you're trying yet it's not enough. When was I going to realize that it's not just me in this relationship? You're not just my friend, you're not just my mother, you're not just my father, you're not just my sister, you're not just my lover/homie/friend. But I am you're friend, I am you're daughter, I am you're sister, I am you're lover/homie/friend. That this is a partnership and not just, make Bianca happy. When was I going to accept your flaws like I hope that you accept mine and while we are on the topic, do you even accept mine? Or are we both in this boat of oblivion. 


I need to be alone in order to accept you as you, you in me and I in you. I really need a break to figure these things out. What I want and who I am. I want to love you for you and accept you for you. I don't want to change you or change myself. But I want to co-exist and appreciate and hold on to the very thing that created our space together in this world. 

"When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too." 

I want to see the best in you and I want you to see the best in me. There are major changes and I don't want things to get blurry. Forgive me. 

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