Friday, January 16, 2009

.break down.

.so i definitely had a breakdown in the mall today!!! insane! but i guess because i was just going through all that i wrote and i was just reading my blog and i came across the whole can't wear skinny jeans cuz my knots don't fit entry and i was mad contempt and cool with what i wrote. i was actually about to get back on that because i've been going throught the normal emotions of a female and i was feeling unhappy with things i can and can't change about my body and i realized it was a waste of energy because i'm not as disgusting as i may think or say i am and i actually need to stop saying that. THERE IS LIFE AND DEATH IN THE POWER OF THE TOUNGE so i definitely need to becareful of what i say.

.i guess i had the breakdown because though i remain positive about my size and how i look, there are constantly people around me complaining and trying to conform to something smaller than i am and even complain and basically make me feel bad for being my weight because they don't want to be it. that hurts so much because people aren't always honest with you especially when it comes to letting someone know how they look, so are you subconsciencely thinking that i'm big? ugh. i truly hate that i'm over analitical and that i pay attention to the wrong things. feeling like that makes me feel pathetic and ungrateful. i'm not grateful for God giving me the things he did and making me the way he did. i'm not meant to be a size 4 and i'm beginning to except that, however because i know that, that doesn't mean i can't take the precautions and help myself remain happy. i wasn't meeting myself halfway and i now realize that.

i'm sorry Bianca. i'll never make you cry again. I love you more than you know. You're definitely sexy. Ain't no body like you, baby you're your own competition.

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