Wednesday, March 18, 2009

.i'm sorry.

.so there is this guy who cares soo much for me, maybe too much. when i was in my car accident, all alone, he offered to hop on a plane and comfort me. he's always telling me nice things, he checks up on me, he gets to know exactly what i like and don't like, he offers me things that most people don't and he's so sincere. basically he's everything that i need right now. and even though he has all of these qualities that are excellent for me and that i should be embracing right now, -- he's just not what i want.

.i feel terrible about it too. it's not that i find him unattractive or there's someone else there- because there isn't, it's just i don't want him. and i'm constantly debating myself about this because he truly cares and it's something that i deserve but i can't seem to allow myself to truly embrace him. and i'm like ugh, what am i waiting for? everything that i need is right in front of my face, someone is willing to give me what others were too afraid to give but i just won't take it. it's like i'm soo used to the past i don't think i'd be good enough [right now at least] for him. maybe he's just tooo good for me or cares too much. i don't want to lead him on though, but i adore his friendship and i don't want to let that go. today he told me he's fighting a battle towards the thing that he wants, i asked him well who are you fighting against, and he said me, that i was who he was battling. that cut me deep, cut me like surgery. but if my heart isn't going towards his way, there's nothing i can do about it.


1 comment:

that one said...

I know you don't know I SWEAR you just told my story from this summer...

sweetest guy in LIFE, I swear...we have so much in common and he cares so much and I felt awful because no matter how much HE cared, it couldn't make ME care...and to make matters worse when we got to school I was like, I care about you, but not in that way and he chose to stick around while I talked to other people...and it was crazy but...then we started dating because I was like, you know what...he loves me even through all my imperfections...and while I'd like to say things are happily ever after with us...they aren't.

but that's neither here nor I hope you figure that out hun. all you can do is be real with him and if he can't accept it...well...the ball is just in your court if you ever want to take that chance.