Saturday, March 20, 2010
.as i'm getting older i'm realizing how much i truly LOVE my little sister Sahara. we are 8 years apart so when she was born, i didn't really want a little sister anymore. i was extremely spoiled so it was hard for me to adjust sharing my mom's attention and her money that was now being spent on a baby too. i've always loved Sahara but it wasn't until i left for school that i realllly noticed how much i really did love this girl. being so far away for long periods of time, i've really missed out on a lot of things that she's done and gone through. that really bothers me.
`so last night i didn't have a nightmare but i had a terrible dream. it was so bad that it woke me up twice and unfortunately as soon as i fell back to sleep, i was right back in the dream. i dreamed that my 12 year old sister was sexually active. she was out there, living a life that she shouldn't have been. she behaved in a way that was horrifying. and when i woke up i realized, i'm not ready for my little sister to grow up. she's going to be 13 this year and soon she'll be going to highschool and i'm not sure if i'm ready lol. i constantly have talks with my mom about Sahara and what i think she should be allowed to do and not do, but at the end of the day what i say doesn't really matter. i'm not her mom, but i'm her big sister. and my baby is growing up. but my dream was still horrifying because she's 12 and i shouldn't have to worry about her and sex anytime soon, so it freaked me out. but oh Lord, what am i going to do when she gets old enough for the sex talk? :'( Lord help me NOW! lol
i guess this what mothers go through with their first child. hopefully by the time i have my first child, i'll be ok with her growing up since i'm going through this now with Sahara.
.man i love that girl. i don't think i love anyone else quite like i love her.