Tuesday, December 21, 2010

.can't help but wait.

"what do you want?"
- "i just want you to be happy"

`i digress.

.i've been asked this question tons of times. and i only answered in terms of saying yes or no, i do or i don't want a relationship. and even when i ask the question, it's never truthfully answered. but i mean what do we expect? we are young people with a world of opportunities. constantly meeting new people, forgetting old people, experiencing new chapters and ending others. to know what you truly want isn't expected, but we MUST stop giving these "i don't know" or "i just want you to be happy" answers.

.do i want a relationship right now. yes and no. yes because who doesn't want to have someone to hold, love, kiss and enjoy. i have come to realize that even though you may or may not go through the "relationship" motions, its completely different when you have someone. and then no i don't want a relationship because i'm entering my last semester of my senior year. after i graduate, i'm headed off to france. distance always comes into play with me. it's either i like someone at home and i have to go 6 months without seeing them, or if i met someone at school.. all i'd have is 5 months and then it would be done. no distant relationships.

.so i date. and i love going on dates. and then i date someone exclusively and we don't make anything official because of whatever factors that may exist. fine. and then we ask, what do you want. because eventually the strain and stress of not being there or not calling or just the strain and stress of the NOTS, confusion comes to play. tears may be shed, texts may be ignored, feelings are hurt. and then the question pops up again.

what do you want?

i want to feel special. i want to feel desired. i want to spend time with the person that has my attention. i don't want to feel neglected and ignored. i don't want to pushed out and talked to in ways that shouldn't be uttered. i want to spend time with you. i want to spend time with you. i don't want excuses as to why this won't be fun or why you can't come or blah blah blah. why does that matter? i want persistence. don't love me in the summer and hate me in the winter. i want to laugh and enjoy your company. i want to always get to know you a bit better. i want to spend time with you. i want you to want to spend time with me. I WANT YOU TO WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH ME.

i hate distances for the simple fact that you aren't there. i can't roll over and see you there. and yet when there is no distance between us, there is distance. you aren't there. i can't roll over and see you there.

so i can't wait to meet someone who i'm attracted to, and who is attracted to me. who wants to spend time with me, laughing, going out, making memories. i don't want to argue or get annoyed when i just want the small and simple things. i can't wait to have someone be compassionate about how i feel about things. i can't wait to get all the attention that ive been lacking. (no i don't want to be smothered).

but of course, i'll come across the good guys who i'm just not attracted to and ill come across the good guys who are jerks.

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