.Let's talk about sex.

Recently, my friends both men and women have been asking me what I think is "ok" in terms of how many sexual partners you've had.

I by no means am a judge. I do not judge people that have "lived life" in terms of sex. Personally, I just can't see how people are attracted to THAT many people.

Now it's truly a double standard, but I know that with men it's different. They may not even be attracted to the many women that they sleep with. If a girl is throwing it easily, I'm sure the guy is going to catch it. ESPECIALLY IF THE MAN IS AN ATHLETE. -which is all I seem to be attracted to or attract. I usually don't think about the amount of sexual partners the guy that I like or am crushing over has had, but when I do and I realize that on average, he's probably been with 15 girls, that makes me feel sooo weird. You've liked 15+ girls? You've kissed over 15 people? Then you try to be with me? Am I better than some? Was that one better than me? Who is your favorite? Who do you miss the most? But then I think about it logically. There's some guys that I know that don't even kiss the girls that they've been with and if you're an athlete or just a good looking, popular guy, girls are going to give it up and you may not even like her, but you're going to take the gift that she's offering. That makes me feel a tad bit better. "Well at least he actually likes me! Right?"

Now with my female friends I'm just kind of like wow girl! You think that all these guys are cute?? Because with women, we have to be attracted to you. Well that's how I feel. I have to be seriously attracted. Not just think that you're cute. It has to be that lusty attraction. I know females who have had over 15 partners and I know one girl who has slept with 20 men in ONE semester of college. AND SHE WENT TO SCHOOL IN NEW JERSEY! I'm really appauled and also intrigued. How is it that you found all of these guys? I personally think there's a drought of attractive men especially in Jersey. How is it that you found all these guys that were worthy enough to be inside of you? To be intimate with? I have a friend who told me that "we" need to get our numbers up. "Look at it as a game Bianca! Let's have 3 new partners by the end of the year. Time to play catch up!" I just stayed quiet. I told her that's a game that her and her friend down there can play. I'm not interested in that. I tell my friends who have these high numbers that it's admirable. They are able to have no fears, or shyness and just jump right into it. They have no attachments to the last guy and just go after what they want. I rarely hear them talk about the guys that they've been with. Just like I'm on to the next one and here's the new guy that I'm dating. I've always admired a woman who can do that. Move on swiftly, with NO care about the previous guy and his feelings. Cold. Heartless. Go you.

I grew up in church. I had/have a strong relationship with God. Not saying that I don't have my faults and my secrets. I'm human and I'm trying and I deal with that with God. I don't judge my friends on their numbers, guys or girls, but I personally don't want to present myself to my husband or that guy, and have had a handful of people before him. I want him to feel special and to know that I'm really his because I am special and when I'm with a guy and am really his. Maybe I'm foolish to think that way, but I feel like he'd appreciate this decision. I don't want him to ever think, wow the things that I do with Bianca, she's done with someone else. This isn't especial for me. The last guy has seen this or felt that. I don't want him to ever think that. Now I'm not quite sure that he actually would because he'd probably had 15+ girls that he's been with. He would probably think it's no big deal. I know that I'll probably be bothered by whatever number he will have but I'm not dumb and I understand. I just hope that he'll appreciate my decision. I was once called a prude about my choice lol. Oh well. I'll be a prude. At least you can't tie me to 15+ people.