Monday, April 16, 2012

Me vs. Me

Lately, I've been in a constant battle with myself. One day I say left, the next day I say right. I'm constantly battling my emotional side vs my logical side. My emotions react instantaneously while my logic observes then decides. I typically go with logic but then I just get overwhelmed with these "forced" options and "forced" patience I have to undergo. I'm spoiled and I'm impatient at times. Right now I'm at my lowest in terms of patience. There are things that I see in my life and that I'm claiming and the results aren't fast enough. I'm from the microwave generation. I want it quick and fast but I also want it to be good. This impatience vs sacrifice has been an on going war since I graduated. Almost one year later, everything has changed and I've gotten better on some things and have made no progression on the other. On top of the mental battle, I'm losing myself physically. I don't like how I look in the mirror. Yet I have no motivation anymore. I had no one to push me. Before in my weight journey, I had that. I knew for who and for what I wanted my looks to be. Now I feel like I don't have that and I'm upset with myself. Trying on dresses, pants and shirts. Watching my size increase from all angles is a bad feeling for me. Yea women do it for themselves but they also do it for the guy, that motivator and I just don't have that. It's hard having to deal with things and feelings logically and on your own. To be in your own corner and push yourself when you have the devil on your other shoulder telling you to sulk, give up, eat that snack! It's just tough.

There's someone in my life who motivates me beyond them knowing. They have no idea how strong their impact means to me. They encourage me to be the best just by watching them strive and be the best. They are smart, knowledgeable, hard working. They would tell me things to help me grow as a person, financially, and physically. I felt like everything I do/did has to be on point. I don't want to let them down. I can truly be myself to them. Express to them my fears, be weird and open. That person figured me out. Knows me pretty well. But I don't have that motivator anymore. I know that me being so heavily dependent on them, unbeknown to them of course, is a bad thing. I don't know how long they will be around and how much more they will take interest. I'm afraid that they will see this and be afraid. Take it completely the wrong way and feel pressured. I felt the shift and I know there was a withdrawal and detachment. The interest isn't the same.

I don't feel weak or embarrassed for my feelings. They were/are a huge motivator but now it's hard because I know they aren't looking anymore. They don't play that role anymore and I'm letting myself go. I'm a lost sheep. Constantly conflicted. Venturing back into a familiar place I didn't like. Upset with myself. Confused by it all.

Sidebar. I wonder who I motivate or how I impact people's lives. I'd really like to know that. I'm not told enough or complimented enough. It's really important to tell your friends what they mean to you or that they look good once in a while. Your opinion try goes far. You never know who you are really motivating. However have a balance. I've never had such an understanding of someone so it's really weird for me now. But patience is what seems to be the lesson of the decade so I'll just be patient, get to know myself and be those things for me, and wait to see what happens next.

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