Monday, July 8, 2013

How did I - this happy-go-lucky, spontaneous, funny, LOVING, caring, empathetic, nurturing, romantic, optimistic  - woman find herself in a tumultuous, degrading, downward spiral of hurt, tears and pain filled relationship? It is literally the most tragic experience. Everyday I tell myself to be the love that I seek. "I am the love that I seek" and everyday I'm hit with a new wall. I've grown to possess an ample amount of self-doubt. Constantly wondering what I did wrong, should I express how I feel? Is it ok to cry? Should I just give up? What about working hard for something that you believe in? Things get tough and rough, I'm sure my grandparents who were together for over 50 years faced hard times. They didn't give up. Why should I? Right? Right?

This isn't the love that I seek. This isn't the love that I deserve. I've been compared to a physically abused woman. I am a battered woman. I'm emotionally abused. Constantly wondering why. Why aren't we going here, doing this, experiencing that. Always lonely. A l w a y s l o n e l y. I've attempted to walk away for so long. I actually do get somewhere at times. Then I feel like I'm giving up, and I wasn't raised to be a quitter. But am I a quitter when I'm the only? Am I giving up on myself?

I can't be friends with someone who doesn't want friendship. I can't be in love with someone who is filled with anger, pain and hate. I can't continue to hurt myself anymore.

I deserve the vacations, the outings, the kisses and hugs. I deserve the pictures, the laughter and bonding. I don't deserve the ignoring and the fighting. Why am I always fighting? I hate this. Fighting with myself, fighting with you. Fighting for friendship? For time? Who does that? Why talk to me.

Pathetic, battered, bruised, doubtful.

All things I refute.

I'm not that. I'm happy, strong, fun, worth it and I want my relationship to reflect that. I want to be the reason you smile.

I don't know what went wrong, where or when it happened. I don't know what I did or didn't do. But I refuse to let that damage me.

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