Wednesday, July 31, 2013

So amazing

So I'm sitting on my terrace, looking at the NY skyline and my neighbors trees (haha) and I'm thinking about how amazing I truly am.

If you've been an avid reader, you've seen how hopeless, dependent and insecure I was. Always looking for happiness in a guy, my dad, step dad or with work. Always something outside -where I was constantly seeking validation. Waiting, yearning, hoping for recognition, appreciation, acknowledgment for trying, striving and doing things -simple, interesting and particular things that made me who I am. I had confidence  but I will admit, I wasn't the best at the self confidence game. Granted all the guys I had crushes on and wanted, I got. There was no one person that I wanted that I didn't get, but it's different to feel that way about yourself daily versus depending on the praise, effort and "love" of others. I can openly and willingly admit that I fell in that trap of dependence. That I lost myself in trying to win my -who I thought and believed to be my soulmate. Constantly searching for an acceptance. Man have I grown in the last 7 months.

Now, today -as in 6 minutes ago (yeah I've been observing the clock), I can look in the mirror and see how beautiful I am. I can write and read my blog and see how amazing I am. Makes me think about how I even started calling myself amazing. It was the last time I went to Bermuda -I was fronting to David, acting like I was all that (as usual haha) and he told me I was amazing. He's always been awesome though. Always letting me know that I'm wonderful even when often  I'd feel the complete opposite. (Oh please, we all have our days.)

I've had my share of tears and now, I don't look for that kind of love, attention or dependence. I feel so free and open. I'm even getting to like my boobs. (I'm officially saving $8,000 come September. Time to make this dream, want and now skeptical need, come true!) Anyways, I've even come to accept -slightly, but definitely a start- my imperfections. I appreciate and admire my humor, opinions and interests. If myself, at least 3 friends, my parents, and my boyfriend appreciates it, then I'm grand. Care, worry and tear free. 

I love that my relationships are built on genuine, raw, growing and forgiving actions. 

I love who I am and who I've become. 

Can't remember the last time I was here.

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