Thursday, October 17, 2013

A look inside my mind

Kudos to Donald Glover for giving me the idea to pretty much do the same thing as he.

I'm afraid that I won't make my parents grandparents. -or if I do, I'm scared they won't be around until my kids reach their twenties and will need them.

Im scared that no matter how open I am, how forgiving, I won't be enough. That I'll always be a pretty friend.

I'm afraid I won't know what true love feels like. That he will never be in love with me.

I'm afraid I'll end up alone.

I'm scared that I won't get to have my own talk show.

I'm scared that I'm too weird and not likeable because I so often disagree.

I'm scared that I won't be taken seriously. -that I'll be babied until my demise.

I'm scared I just won't do it right. Won't love, provide, support or create.

I'm scared that it's really me and not you.

I'm afraid that I can't change.

I'm nervous that people don't really like me.

I'm scared that sometimes I believe that statement.

I'm afraid I'm here for nothing.

I'm scared I'll make no impact.

I'm terrified that I'm not enough. That my best just isn't it.

I'm bothered that no one pays attention. That you don't pay attention.

I'm scared that all of this time was in vain. 

I'm scared of falling in love alone.
I'm terrified of it actually. That someone won't be by my side falling with me.

I'm scared to hear "I don't want to be in a relationship with you" or "I don't want to be your friend". Though the words are constant and the pain has engulfed me, I'm terrified to reopen the wound.

I'm scared I'll never fully heal.

I'm scared I don't have what it takes to make it.

I'm afraid there's someone better for you or for me.

I'm scared I'll die a side chick with no family of my own.

I'm scared that my dreams won't come true. That it's only possible for everyone around me while I struggle.

I'm scared of true happiness because it's been wiped away from me so often and so sudden.

I'm scared I'll have Alzheimer's and forget everything.

I'm scared I'm not as amazing and good of a person that I try to be.

I'm afraid to think God doesn't hear me or isn't there.

I'm terrified of hell.

I'm scared that I'm that weird, obnoxious girl.

I'm scared that I'm fat.

I'm scared that I'm not a good role model for my sisters.

I'm afraid that I'm not a good girlfriend. That's there's just something I can't do right.

I'm afraid that all I'll hear is what I'm not -"you're not considerate, you're not loving, you're not permanent, you're not good, you're an asshole, you're a jerk."

I'm not afraid to share this though, despite you judging me.

I'm all of that yet still amazing.

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