Tuesday, February 25, 2014

I'm an adult


So yesterday I blogged some fluffy thoughts and that's because that's how I was feeling but I didn't know if I had the courage to admit what happened to me on Saturday. Granted, I know that I'm really open and personal on this but for some reason, I was ashamed and embarrassed to talk about the recent event that took place in my life.

I'm 24-years-old and I had a real anxiety attack on Saturday.

The days leading up to this, I felt a little nervous. Even the night before, I felt my hands shaking in my sleep and I was having disturbing dreams of people close to me, even myself dying. (Which I later researched and found that is signs of anxiety) You know that feeling where you have to tell someone something serious and you're afraid to do so? That's the kind of nervousness that I've been feeling. It's so unsettling because you're soul searching for the reason why yet you can't find it anywhere. It was especially frustrating for me because I know that I play the role of "dramatic" and often times, people dismiss how I feel and just because I display my emotions more vibrantly doesn't mean that I'm not actually going through. So of course as I'm in the middle of the Port Authority Bus Terminal with my heart racing, my hands shaking hard and noticeably and tears bursting out of my eyes, I was upset with myself. "Here we go again with the crying!" Is that what I thought followed by I have Parkinson's disease and/or a heart attack. I was overwhelmed and was drowning in my body and my emotion's control. I tried to quickly figure out and face what I'm afraid of but I've found nothing. In the midst of my tears, I quickly called my Pastor and asked him to pray for me immediately. He asked me if there was something big going on that I didn't want to talk about or that I felt I had to deal with on my own and I said no. After about 25 minutes of chatting and praying, my heart rate started to go down but my hands continued to shake all night. I couldn't even put eye make-up on because of it. I was terrified and because of it, I couldn't stop shaking. Sunday, Monday and today even, I feel much better. I'm very conscious of my breathing and stress levels but honestly, it's as if I'm waiting for it to happen again.

As you know, my job will be ending in June and I guess I didn't realize how nervous that made me. I'm usually a stick to the plan type of girl and I'm realizing that life has no plans that it sticks to. But shortly after taking in the news of my show being cancelled, I started to be logical. I've always known that television shows don't last forever and I know that people bounce from job to job in this industry. I know that I'm not going to be out of a job forever and I'm actually excited about the change of life. Also with my new job, I will be moving. I'm not sure if it will be out of state of if I'm staying on the East Coast, but that's something I'll be doing. I guess all of those things have been suppressed and my thoughts, nervousness, excitement and processing of these life changes all came out in the form of a serious anxiety attack. And because I'm usually the cool one to brush off rejection, life changes and situations, it was embarrassing for me. I'm the friend that everyone goes to to talk about how life is changing for them. I help them to make these big leaps of faith and here I am, crying, shaking, feeling scared. I felt like a dramatic crybaby who couldn't hold it together. Once again, my emotions got the best of me. But I realize now, that it's ok. I'm not the only person that this happened to and I won't be the last.

I can't say I know how to avoid what has happened because I blog and write and openly discuss how I feel with people all the time. I do know that with prayer, meditation and a good run (always wonderful to release endorphins), I came back to feeling normal. I'm also asking myself for forgiveness. I'm too hard on myself for making mistakes, trying or not trying and for feeling. It's ok to not have it together and to be patience and to just go with the flow and it's ok to get nervous, cry and then feel better.

Damn. I'm an adult? Real life is happening?

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