Sunday, September 7, 2014

Soul Searching

I am searching for peace.

This week, I met my best friend for lunch and shared my current love life situation. I told him that I (thought) am content with this because I tried all that I can. I was the love I sought.

Before I get into that, let me discuss what happened to me today.

I don't like to be alone. I just hate it. Which is completely weird because I live alone now. And what made me write this post was the thought of "all I really wanted was my own room." Typically, my next thought would end up in some sorrow and downward spiral of why I made a bad choice but immediately my next thought was "Okay, God. I'm ready to see what I'm supposed to learn." I smiled and thought, "I better appreciate this alone time that I have now because once my husband shows up and the kids, I'll be missing these days." So last night, I was all up in my feelings. I was thinking about why I'm alone and why doesn't anyone want to spend time with me and then I started thinking about a bunch of other stuff but somewhere between 2 and 3am, I just started thanking God and visioned what I wanted and fell asleep.

Being negative is so easy. It's so easy to take that route and furthermore, it's so easy to sulk. A couple months ago, I started changing my mentality and life was changing for me. I knew what the secret was to a successful life yet for the past couple of weeks, it's as if all of that went out of the window. I was slowly getting back to that girl I am no longer. So this morning, I got up, looked in the mirror and told myself to snap out of it. I will NOT stay here. Good things were on my path and I knew what I had to do to get there so I know what needs to be done to get back there. I then reassessed the situations and tried to seek out what I started doing differently and boom, the solution flashed before my eyes. (Which is crazy because I have a post it with this up on my desk, that I literally look at 5 days a week. Blah.)

Rely on God's ability and not your own.

And immediately, IMMEDIATELY, I felt so much better. I looked at myself and I apologized and then forgave myself. I have made some mistakes, because I'm not perfect but I will not carry blame. I am ever learning and ever growing. It's so important to not only apologize in your relationships but also to yourself. It's okay, Bianca, it's okay. My church service was the icing on the cake this morning. The content was about being vulnerable to God and the scripture was 2 Corinthians 12:9, which reads But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." And I cried the entire service. It was a rejoice to know that while I've been feeling at my weakest, God's power in my life is at its strongest.

So as I sat in church this morning, I thought about the conversation that I had with my best friend. I noticed that with my love life, work life, family life, personal life, I was looking at my own strength. I was telling him how I felt content because I did all that I could do. I boasted about my own strength in holding back my pettiness and attitude yet, I'm still not happy. Then I figured out what I've been doing wrong. Not relying on God's ability. 

I encourage you to rely on God's ability. Once you ask for something and believe that it will be yours and not let a slither of doubt into your mind, you'll see that what you asked for was yours all along. And I knew this! It's with this attitude that I'm always blessed but I'm thankful for the reminder. It feels great to be picked back up again.


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