Tuesday, June 2, 2015

"What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."

As I've grown closer to God, I've also grown to know and understand the importance of truly loving your neighbor and most importantly, forgiveness. In the past, I would find myself in these relationships with people, primarily men, to where I would be "suddenly" cut off, silenced, ignored, or not responded to. In growing, I've learned that though some of the fault was rightfully mine, a lot of the sudden distance was because of that person's own issues or insecurities. So because of the personality of God, I would too often look past the hurt of being abandoned and forgive. Placing a bandaid on a wound that needed stitches, only for the wound to be reopened by yet another "friend."

I just couldn't understand why this kept happening to me. Energy flows where attention goes and I wasn't consciously thinking about how the next person was going to just one day decide to never respond to me again. I didn't put that kind of energy or action out in the world, so I didn't understand why all this was "coming back around" to me. But as I've grown, I've learned that life is about learning a lesson. And this time around, I think I've learned.

I've always heard the saying "he'll be back." Always. And it's true, they always come back but this time around, you're not welcomed to being my friend. I can love you like I'm supposed to, forgive you like I should but keep you at a distance. We all will make mistakes and cross lines at some point in a friendship/relationship. We are flawed, imperfect people. However, there should be certain attributes that we should hold with upmost respect and when those attributes have been toyed with, disregarded or disrespected, then once you forgive, I don't think a friendship/relationship should be amended. I've learned who you are, what you do and respect it enough to not allow you in my life anymore. 

This is the first time, in a long, where a "he" has come back and the door is closed. You are not a friend. You never were a friend and the last petty, silence was very loud. So loud that I don't need, desire or want you that close. There was something so strong that drew me so close to you. Something I've only felt one other time with someone else but this was new. You excited the woman I was/am growing into. I thought wow, this had to be real. You completed shattered by "I've never done this" list, only to abandon me not once, but twice. The second time being at a moment where I felt at my lowest. And here you go, you pop up again, or you try. I'm assuming you're bored. Maybe you want to see how open you can get me, how naked will I get for you this time, how far will I travel thinking I'm meeting you halfway but when you simply want me to take every step towards you while you don't budge. 

I have no regrets. I won't change my openness or my love for being naked. All I have is gratefulness. I'm grateful for your disrespect, disregard and selfishness because without it, I wouldn't have found the strength to say no. I wouldn't have had it in me to just read your text and not reply. I wouldn't have finally learned the lesson. In some weird way, I truly loved what we had. I had so much faith towards it. The opportunity and love (to me, anyways) seemed endless. The world could've been ours. But I was just dreaming. So the world is yours separately from the world being mine, as it was supposed to be.

Thank you for teaching me how to say no. 
Thanks, but no thanks.

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