Wednesday, November 25, 2015

25th Year Recap

Look what we have here.
Yet another year completed and my has this year been an interesting one. 25 literally kicked my butt. I've never cried so much in my life. The amount of days I've cried, probably equates to a month and a half straight. I was literally shaken in every aspect of my life.

I looked financial issues right in the face. Right in the eyes. After being laid off from the best paid job I've ever had in March, it really scared me. I thank God for the job looking back because I was able to purchase all the essentials. I moved out, got a laptop, created a good savings, things were looking up for me. I thought I would have made an investment by November! By now! But with the lay-off came major fears and tears. I had severance, but that's not nearly half of what I was making. So it was a major shift to pay off my responsibilities while receiving payment that equated to my broke ass experience working at the Katie Show. It was scary. Living in the Tri-State area and working in New York City for the media industry, in itself is a hard job. It's so ideal, so it's so hard to land something good, decent and staffed. Then when you do finally get the job, sometimes the pay doesn't match the street cred. All the while, there's like over 150 people sometimes 1000 people applying to these jobs. For three months, I sat home and cried and applied. That was the routine.

With not being able to find a job, I experienced a major shift in my self-esteem. I didn't feel good at all. I really only looked at my misfortunes, often times at heightened levels. There were times when I couldn't even look in the mirror because I was so miserable about all the things I failed at. It really took a lot of prayer and forgiveness to get me back to where I needed to be. Not forgiveness meaning forgiving others necessarily, but forgiving myself.

Naturally all these things affected my relationships with people. I've had major shifts in my relationships. In family, friends and lover. I had to learn to forgive and let go. To really get to a place where you can learn to trust again. That's hard to deal with period and I don't think I would have ever really learned that, if it wasn't for that experience. With the person that I had this issue with being a family member, the road to recovery moved at a rapid pace. With friends, the letting go process was different because there was no anger for why I wanted to let go. This was more of a weirder place because unlike the sudden shift from my family experience, this was over time. The changes in relationships (more than 1) have been slowly moving like the earth - you don't feel it happening until you look up at the clouds and see them moving. That kind of thing. I was frustrated, confused and hurt. It's hard to let go of that hurt but I did and saw the shift, though sad, but necessary.

Lastly, my lover is moving away. Even with no negative shifts in the relationship portion, the shift of distance, interest, surroundings can be profound. Where does that leave me? What did I accomplish from that relationship? How do I see my value and worth? How has it changed? What did I fail at? There are tons of questions that go through your head. What will it then be like? Good changes? Bad changes? What if you never find someone else? What if you find someone else? How will you let go? Will you let go?

In every situation, I felt myself falling backwards. I could lay back and feel myself falling. And as soon as I would think that that thump, that crash was approaching, God would just catch me. No, my finances aren't where they were in the beginning of the year, but I have 3 jobs now! Two part time and one full time. I've found ways to get to my goal closer. I found another media industry job. A job that's showing me a totally different way of making money while still doing what you enjoy. This job's title also allows me to get a job anywhere and not just in the Tri-State area. Maybe I should take a job in another state. Give myself a new life experience. My car died right before I got a new job and I was lucky enough to have some money saved up and got a new car! With all the bad experiences, I was able to learn something new. I've learned a lot about faith and listening to God.

Now onto 26. Here's to you and what you bring!

Do I say I'm in my mid-twenties now?


Unknown said...

Beautiful B! Happy Birthday!

Anonymous said...

Yes, mid twenties the best part enjoy them.