So much has changed in these past couple of weeks.
There has been a prayer of mine that I've been crying and pleading to God about for as long as I can remember. It has yet to be answered. I'm at the point where I can't do anything else. I've tried all that I can do and in that exhausted feeling, I also feel bad. Bad that my efforts produced nothing. I don't understand why God won't change this. If the situation can't change, at least change my emotions. Change how devastating it all feels.
I'm trying to remember that God comes through. In due time is what people say.
Just last year, I was at a job where I was a department assistant, I barely got out of the office. I got laid off, without knowing why and that was very hard for me to deal with and it was a blessing because it lead me to this. Now one year later I'm traveling for work. I'm being proactive. I'm producing. I'm a producer! I've made it.
But in this success, there's a parallel sadness. I'm sad that I can't share this moment with people who aren't here. I'm trying my best to just see the positive in all of this. I know that God loves me and things work out for me, they always have but the discouragement is so very tough.
As a woman, there are certain needs - basic needs that we have. My needs are attention, romance, effort, honesty, support and love. How do you explain that to someone? Aren't those things common sense? Even if you didn't know, nowadays with social media, any one can see how and what needs are. How do you think it feels for a woman to tell a man to love her? How do you think it feels for a woman to tell her father to love her? When you look around and see that men get it. There are men out there that just get it.
Who gets me?
Who tries for me?
I'm trying to push through and be happy for myself. Be proud of what I've accomplished in these 4 years of working. Now is when I have to prove myself for work but I'm terrified that I'm going to become that successful black woman without the family. I can't help that things are going well in this category. I've tried. I've cried. I've settled. I've watched my needs go to the wayside.
I'm trying to remember that you get what you think about. So I listen to love songs, to our love songs, to my love songs. In attempt to attracting and gaining. I was so close. It was different. I felt it.
Guess you were right.