Apologies if my content is or has been sad. This year, I have been very vocal about my disdain but to be completely fair in my assessment, I have been blessed to experience continuous growth. I was shown and had to deal with my weaknesses this year. While in the pain, I didn't realize how strong I had been to even tackle my weaknesses. I had to look the pain and problem in the face and decide that I was no longer going to be living in a state of insanity. I was doing the exact same thing over and over expecting different results. My problems weren't changing no matter how much I prayed for the problem to change. But the issue was that I was praying for the problems to change and not for personal change. I didn't realize that I was still a component of what the problem was derived from and in order to see the true change, all aspects of that problem needed adjusting, including myself.
So I've been wrestling with the discomfort that's associated with moving from a dormant state. Some of my muscles had been comatose and needed to learn mobility again. It was a challenge and I was finally learning to accept with the help of hope on my side. I was hopeful with my eyes on the prize. I was reading "The Secret" and being positive with this experience. I rolled with the punches, learned to release the "control", if you may, I thought I had? I had to get to the place where I for real, surrendered it all. I laid it out there and walked away from it. But in that sense of surrender, I've lost hope.
I've lost hope.
I've been called whimsical and a dreamer. I feel naive. So very naive. And unrealistic. Which is a very strange place for me to be in because it really is the opposite of my core. It's a big let down and in this process, it's crippled my enthusiasm. I know that things will get better and I will forget these emotions and the memories of this place, but the hope that I had to pass the time, has ceased and things began to feel numb.
So I went to prayerfest and it was JUST what I needed. There had to have been about 500 people in attendance of prayer. The day, October 21st, was dedicated to praying with your neighbors, being on one accord. When I heard about the day, something in my soul moved and I knew that it was going to bring me the peace that I had been looking for. We started the day with repentance, primarily dealing with the issues that you truly want to turn away from. Believing and knowing that you're done holding those emotions and baggage surrounding whatever thing you just can't let go. I desperately gave up complaining and thinking negatively. Like I threw it at the altar and didn't look back. After repentance, we prayed for others. It was in those truly raw moments, praying for others did the break really come for me. This entire time, I've been so focused on myself and issues that that's all I kept praying and dwelling on. After I finally the complaining and negative emotions go, I didn't focus on myself much after that. By the end of my experience, I realized I hadn't even thought about the things I usually prayed for which obviously were the things I complained about not having or being unhappy about.
When I left, I felt the reset. I feel the peace brewing up in my soul again. No, I'm not quite as hopeful as I was, but I am feeling the peace and maybe even a little passion. I don't know. I have to admit, I am treading lightly but I am ready for the next phase of this lesson.
I've been taking a break from social media. I can say that #onhere because I don't think this counts. I make guest appearances. In my self reflection and repentance, I realized that I compare myself too much to the lives of those around me. As a long distance runner, I should be the biggest advocate of knowing and understanding that life is a marathon and not a sprint. But honestly, it's tough at times.
I feel like the world is against me for so many reasons. I can't make that much money because I'm a black woman. I most likely won't come out of poverty because I am a single black woman. There's like a 50% chance I won't get married because I am an educated black woman. Don't get me started on the prison systems and how that's against blacks. These truths and actions of today really have me down. No matter how big I dream or try and bust my ass, it's still scary.
Butttttt #woosah. I will be alright. And I've made it this far. I am stronger then I give myself credit for. I am stronger than the haters thought I wasn't.
If you read all of this, you're loyal.