Friday, December 26, 2008

.its never a right time to say goodbye.

.as this year gets closer and closer to ending, i realize that there are many things in my life that have to end too. this site has been i guess like a diary for me during this time of me growing and dealing with the matters of the heart. not too many people read it so i'm ok with what i post up here.

.so i've changed my feelings for you like i change my clothes and it's pretty evident with most of the posts being about you, but after seeing you i;ve made my decision that i'm going to stick by. i have to let you go. you told me that you were basically numb in a certain relationship, but what you don't see is, that you are making me numb to our relationship. i can't help that i'm a loyal person to the one that i have the most feelings for. i try to be a pimp and do all that, but that's not my style. so the fact that i'm loyal to you and im finding out for what? just messes with my head. i'm not upset with you anymore, i'm upset with myself, for actually allowing you to still be able to do that. there are soo many beautiful things about you that i value and appreciate. it's true what you said, i appreciate you so much, i see the MAN that you will be and all the greatness about you. i saw that from the jump that's why i told you you were my great one, however; i never want to have a numb feeling about you and i feel that happening now. things add up to me now, and i guess that was what was keeping me around, the fact that things didn't add up. how you'd look at me and say certain things and then switch up on me and i don't understand then you'd be right back. but now that i know the reason for it, i can't play in this circle anymore. it's bothering me so much. i really don't want to do this and i sat back and thought maybe i'm being too dramatic and i'm just expecting too much from you but i was degrading what i deserve. you are an amazing friend and i'll always hold you near to my heart. but the lasttime has to be the lasttime until you really want it. i thought that i was going to use you for what you do use me for,- even though use is a strong word, but you wouldn't come to see me like you do if there wasn't something else for you there. and that's real talk. i'm your friend just like others are and they get time spent with you and i do too, but always with more-but i realized i can never use you. i care about you too much.

.i guess what i'm trying to say is, i don't want to be numb about you, and i already can't feel certain parts of me. i love you and i know you love me too. we are young and who knows what's out there for us, maybe it's eachother maybe not. just live life for you sweetheart. don't please anyone else without pleasing yourself first.

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