.im so scared that you'll hurt me twice.

"I'll read a little something and die a thousand times in my mind"- John Mayer.


`i honestly thought i was the only person who did such things. i'm talking about in order to prevent myself from making the same mistake two, three, or even fives times again, i constantly go back and bring myself to that place, where i was the lowest. i reopen that wound so i won't get hurt again, when all i'm doing is hurting myself. it's a terrible thing to do and i don't do it often. it seems as if i forget reality of the situations and the pain, but i am guilty of bringing myself back. it's not that i don't trust or haven't forgiven. i just have to bring myself back in order to move forward. i have to read the pain again to know what's capable of happening. and i thought i was alone. i thought no one else would put themselves through this. no one else is that crazy, that weird! but here i am. along with John Mayer. i'm not alone, and i'm not quite that weird. this isn't something i'm proud of. it's just what keeps me here in real life rather than live in some movie with the perfect endings. it's sad though. i don't like to kill that piece of me. "/