Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Let it Go.

Typically in the beginning of the year you hear a lot of the "I'm losing weight, I'm going to pick up a new hobby, I'm going to start to travel, etc." and I'm usually the person who, while of course cheering you on, would rather not wait until the beginning of the year to start a change in my life. I've so proudly stated numerous of times about how I actually don't mind change. However, there is life an death in the power of the tongue and it's time for me to chew what I've bit off -which is absolutely cool! But I'm just annoyed *rolls eyes* that it's happening at the beginning of the year.

Over the past couple of months, I've done some soul searching and have truly found who I am. Everyday I wake up and tell myself "today I will be the love that I seek." That love could be in the form of a boyfriend, a friend, a co-worker, a job position, a daughter, ANYTHING. I wanted to already be that person that I saw myself being in the future. It's an amazing feeling to handle situations by truly "treating others the way you want to be treated." (Isn't that the golden rule?) Due to speaking such positive words over my life, I've seen a HUGE change in my personality and behavior. I'm here to tell you, IT'S TRUE. PEOPLE CAN CHANGE. You just can't change other people and if you can, it's not by yelling, screaming and demanding. Anywho, I became a better Bianca and then I had to make outward changes. Here's when the "I don't mind change" took place. 

As previous blogged, I have to find a new job in the months ahead. It's not right away but it's definitely sooner than later. This is something that I have no control over. I realized that the changes that I didn't mind are the ones that I initiate and even so, the moments leading up to it, I'm very anxious about it. I go over why quitting isn't an option. I ask God for a lot of things. He says "You must not doubt in your heart. You must believe that what you say will happen. Then it will be done for you." So I even got to a point where though I wasn't seeing the positive results that I asked for an ultimately needed rather than having my hair fall out from stress, be physically exhausted all the time, I had no time for my friends and family, I thought by walking away from it, I wouldn't be showing that I had faith in what I asked God for. Same thing in a certain relationship that I worked so hard for. How could I give up? Besides every time I interviewed for a new job or tried to leave, things wouldn't work out and I'd find my way back into the office, back into his arms. 

Then I came across this while reading "The Fifth Mountain" by Paulo Coelho
It is not easy to listen: in our prayers we always try to say where we have erred, and what we should like to happen to us. But the Lord already knows all of this, and sometimes asks us only to hear what the Universe is telling us and to be patient. All life's battles teach us something, even those we lose. You'll discover that you have defended lies, deceived yourself, or suffered for foolishness. If you're a good warrior, you will not blame yourself for this, but neither will you allow your mistakes to repeat themselves.
And BOOM! Just like that, I learned that it was time to let go. I realized that I held on because there was so much about myself that I needed to learn. Yes, I learned a great amount about my career at my job but I learned so much about who I am, what I love and what I need in my life. Same in the relationship. I would always hear "you accept what you think you deserve" and for so long I would find error in that statement. Because I'm a nice human. I know that people mess up but I believe that you talk about it with one another and you try to make those efforts to help yourself and that person. Things shouldn't be so hard when it comes to love. It's something that you have no control over. You just know that it's pure and honest and wonderful. Loving someone shouldn't be so hard. It's time that I reap what I sow. However, I wouldn't be where or who I am today without that person. I've learned to not compromise my being a nice girl because I couldn't get it matched and I learned to accept who that person that I loved, that I wanted to help make better as he helped make me better, for who he is and it's just such a beautiful feeling.

So here I am. Two big changes. Two shifts. Right at the beginning of the year. What will come of me in the next months? Where will I be? Who will I be? I feel free again. Like I can obtain anything. I was terrified at first but now I have the faith. In my career, I always know that I won't be in the place forever and I know that I'm on my way to something great but I didn't feel that way in my relationship. With my love life I didn't know what will happen, who would love me or if I could receive all that love that I put out there but now I know! Now I know that I will! Life wouldn't be life if I dealt with such huge changes at different times so now I feel like a naked baby going out into the world. But I know that I'm protected and that's amazing and it's exciting. But I will admit a wave of emotions hit me when I realized wow, these things are coming to an end. It was weird for me because neither ended on bad terms. Everything is pretty fine and I think that's what made me so emotional about it. I'm not used to peaceful, clean endings and furthermore I'm not used to doing these big girl things for myself. Career, Faith, Family and Love. I'm supposed to mange all four and I'm doing a good job.

I'm prepared to fight but I'm also so relieved to allow someone to finally fight for me. I'm ready to be mature with where I want to go in my career and in my relationships. #24andMature.

I'm an irresistible magnet for all that belongs to me by Divine right.

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