Friday, April 7, 2017

*twiddles thumbs.

the healing is unfamiliar so sometimes i don't know how to process what's happening so i react or cry or sleep or over eat or keep to myself

detachment is unfamiliar

feels like i'm walking a tight rope but i finally feel the step

i know what i want because i have to pull myself out

not complaining has really put things into perspective for me. i feel more matured.

i feel like an adult 

i just hope that i'm doing it right this time.

trying everything in a different outside my norm because my norm wasn't working


i'm too hard on myself

this has been a process 

oo, i feel detached

that's sad

it's so far in the distant, that it's blurry.


but things can only go up from here

but sometimes, i feel just a little brush of the joy & cry for them. 

those lovers.

"what happened, had to happen."

apparently but oof sometimes i cry.


another lesson learned.


Saturday, December 3, 2016


I turned 27!!!

It was my golden birthday on November 27th. I've always wanted to have a big 27th birthday party but was unable to pull it together in the way that I truly wanted so I opted to a vacation instead. I went to Playa Del Carmen, Mexico by myself on my first solo trip. I've traveled to France by myself 5 years ago, but I met up with people once I got there and I've been to 11 different states this year, so I've gotten used to traveling on long flights and I've also gotten used to being in my own company.

I have to admit, I never, ever thought I would have been bringing in my birthday the way that I did. Not only was I not having the big party that I wanted, I was also going to be spending my most special birthday alone. I really love celebrating the birthday's of those close to me. It's your special day. It just makes me feel so good! I don't know, I like to celebrate people so I wanted to make sure I would get that on my day. I asked my sisters and friends and no one was able to come. I just couldn't have spent my big birthday in gloomy, NJ especially if I couldn't have had celebrated in the way I wanted. So, I booked my trip and was on my way.

I stayed at the Princess Yucatan all-inclusive resort. It was beautiful! I was the only black person there. That was interesting lol. Mexico was a great experience. A lot of people expressed being nervous about the country, but I enjoyed myself there. I went on a tour of the Mayan Ruins in Tulum. I even snorkeled in a cenote (underwater cave) and lagoon that lead out into the sea. I saw Rainbow Parrot fish, monkey's, deer, snake trails, crocodiles and lemurs. The resort was filled with couples so not only did I feel safe but I didn't have to worry about anyone trying to hook up with me.

I did have my lonely moments though. I had a moment of holding onto the past right before I left but I just had to look past it. It would have been amazing to have someone there but I'm glad that I've reached a point where I don't allow it make me sad anymore. I used to be so sad about being alone but now I'm starting to change my views and through that, my feelings about it are changing, too. I'm thankful that I'm able to see that because when all of this was happening and I ended up booking this trip alone, I was so annoyed that I had to experience this. I was nervous about facing it. I just didn't want to spend my entire birthday trip crying all alone. But I went and didn't even drop a tear. I did think about it but I didn't cry and I didn't think about it for that long. #progress

It was great to spend time with myself. Through this, I am learning what I like and don't like, need and don't need. This trip gave me the exact insight that I needed in this new chapter. Chapter 27.

I encourage you to take a solo trip!

Sunday, October 30, 2016

Prayerfest 2016

There are moments in our lives, where we can feel our soul reaching for refuge. I was at that place. 

Apologies if my content is or has been sad. This year, I have been very vocal about my disdain but to be completely fair in my assessment, I have been blessed to experience continuous growth. I was shown and had to deal with my weaknesses this year. While in the pain, I didn't realize how strong I had been to even tackle my weaknesses. I had to look the pain and problem in the face and decide that I was no longer going to be living in a state of insanity. I was doing the exact same thing over and over expecting different results. My problems weren't changing no matter how much I prayed for the problem to change. But the issue was that I was praying for the problems to change and not for personal change. I didn't realize that I was still a component of what the problem was derived from and in order to see the true change, all aspects of that problem needed adjusting, including myself. 

So I've been wrestling with the discomfort that's associated with moving from a dormant state. Some of my muscles had been comatose and needed to learn mobility again. It was a challenge and I was finally learning to accept with the help of hope on my side. I was hopeful with my eyes on the prize. I was reading "The Secret" and being positive with this experience. I rolled with the punches, learned to release the "control", if you may, I thought I had? I had to get to the place where I for real, surrendered it all. I laid it out there and walked away from it. But in that sense of surrender, I've lost hope.

I've lost hope. 

I've been called whimsical and a dreamer. I feel naive. So very naive. And unrealistic. Which is a very strange place for me to be in because it really is the opposite of my core. It's a big let down and in this process, it's crippled my enthusiasm. I know that things will get better and I will forget these emotions and the memories of this place, but the hope that I had to pass the time, has ceased and things began to feel numb. 

So I went to prayerfest and it was JUST what I needed. There had to have been about 500 people in attendance of prayer. The day, October 21st, was dedicated to praying with your neighbors, being on one accord. When I heard about the day, something in my soul moved and I knew that it was going to bring me the peace that I had been looking for. We started the day with repentance, primarily dealing with the issues that you truly want to turn away from. Believing and knowing that you're done holding those emotions and baggage surrounding whatever thing you just can't let go. I desperately gave up complaining and thinking negatively. Like I threw it at the altar and didn't look back. After repentance, we prayed for others. It was in those truly raw moments, praying for others did the break really come for me. This entire time, I've been so focused on myself and issues that that's all I kept praying and dwelling on. After I finally the complaining and negative emotions go, I didn't focus on myself much after that. By the end of my experience, I realized I hadn't even thought about the things I usually prayed for which obviously were the things I complained about not having or being unhappy about. 

When I left, I felt the reset. I feel the peace brewing up in my soul again. No, I'm not quite as hopeful as I was, but I am feeling the peace and maybe even a little passion. I don't know. I have to admit, I am treading lightly but I am ready for the next phase of this lesson.

I've been taking a break from social media. I can say that #onhere because I don't think this counts. I make guest appearances. In my self reflection and repentance, I realized that I compare myself too much to the lives of those around me. As a long distance runner, I should be the biggest advocate of knowing and understanding that life is a marathon and not a sprint. But honestly, it's tough at times. 
I feel like the world is against me for so many reasons. I can't make that much money because I'm a black woman. I most likely won't come out of poverty because I am a single black woman. There's like a 50% chance I won't get married because I am an educated black woman. Don't get me started on the prison systems and how that's against blacks. These truths and actions of today really have me down. No matter how big I dream or try and bust my ass, it's still scary.

Butttttt #woosah. I will be alright. And I've made it this far. I am stronger then I give myself credit for. I am stronger than the haters thought I wasn't. 

If you read all of this, you're loyal. 

Don't Do Nothing Unless Your Heart's In It!

A little over 2 years ago, when I was working at Katie, I was selected to be featured in the Creative Minds Group's Alumni Spotlight. I participated in the Creative Minds Group's internship at the Cannes Film Festival in 2011, just one day after graduating from Hampton University. It was my first time flying across the world alone, my first time in Europe and my first post-college experience in the industry. Through the years, I've kept in contact with the CMG and its team and they decided to feature my progress post Cannes. 

My mom happened to fall upon this video about 2 weeks ago. I had never seen it until recently. It came in perfect timing, as I'm still making my way through the industry, it was great to see what I had overcome. It was good to remember the goals that I set while I was there and see how I was able to touch every single goal set. 


Monday, October 10, 2016

Darker and Colder

The weather patterns are back to how it was when things changed.
This is the last part of the test. If I can make it through this year, the years to follow should be a piece of cake.

Here I am again, feeling the cold breeze that's back to remind me.
The sun isn't shining as long as it used to. I'm back to being engulfed in the darkness. Trying to make my final escape from this dark hole.

The fall leaves are dropping my hopes and enthusiasm that I planted during the spring full of promise. The let downs are falling one last time.

I'm cautiously awaiting for the snow, the final burial. Putting to rest the dreams that will never come true. Learning to accept in the darkness.

Almost at one year. If I can make it through 2016, I can make it another year.

The coldest winter ever is approaching. I've made it this far.

I don't even feel the same. I am searching so deep for optimism. For faith. I feel so hopeless. I am afraid to try. i feel so numb. I feel forgotten. How do I fix me? Where do I begin? What do I even say?

I just need to face this cold winter and it will be over before I know it.

I wish I was stronger. I hope I'm stronger in 2017.

Monday, October 3, 2016

I'm not one for self discipline. Don't get me wrong, I can discipline myself but to refrain from what I love has always been tough.

Today I woke up with forgiveness on my heart. I've always been one to pray for the skill to quickly forgive others. It's a great thing because I never hold a grudge but it's bad because I don't always walk away with a lesson learned. It's like instead learning to avoid touching fire, I only remember that I was healed.

I always admired the discipline of my one friend. He could resist anything. This year he shared some things that have stuck out more than any advice he's ever given me. At first the words stung but I'm thankful because if they would have never been shared, I wouldn't have grown to know self discipline. Every day something in me wants to reach but then I remember the sting and the burn and it keeps me away. I forgive but I can't forget that feeling.

I guess this is me seeing the bright side.

Sunday, September 11, 2016


Last month I went to Chicago to transform a local basketball court into an art mural for the community by the community. I've been blessed to manage/produce/execute (whatever you'd like to say), I've been owning this Courtside Collection project. I've gotten the opportunity to work in Atlanta, Dallas, Chicago and next up Houston. I've met some amazing people in some really great communities. Each trip has brought on a new life insight. 

Check out Chicago: