.it's all in me.

.now the post underneath this -which is actually posted first though you will read this one first- i mentioned i can't become the person that people want me to become.

.now i've come up with a general theory. all females and all males don't apply to this but this is based off of general observation including me. i feel like it's in a female's nature to be naive or gullible and it's in a male's nature to feed off of that. honestly im about to admit something that i shouldn't. even though i've learned from my mistakes and have grown up to see past the games and the lies, i'm still naive and gullible. i fall for these things and i can't determine if it's the truth or not and i don't want to be that girl that pushes someone away with their constant nagging or insecurity at times but it's like how can guys just feed off of a girls naive-ness and continue to feed them lies that they know the female will believe. it's just so natural for the guy to do these things. i don't understand how both females can grow up and be this way and males can grow up and be this way. i know there are some females reading this like "psh yeah whatever i don't fall for the games" but sweetie, before you mastered it or decided to think like that man, you did. and just as easy as it was for you to fall for the game it was that easy for him to feed you the things.

.it's sad that i still fall for some of the lies and disappointments but i honestly can't see myself becoming that girl who completely cleanses herself from the things of her nature. i'm afraid that if i do, then i'll lose myself. i've really learned how to close myself up and maintain life alone. so that means i know how to use people for exactly what i want without feelings attached, or as serious as they can get. that scares me. i don't want to be that girl. but i'm tired of making the same mistakes. it's just like *sigh; shaking my head here we go again* and i get over it quickly but that doesn't justify that the lesson wasn't learned.

.how does one change what's in their nature? why does one have to change? why can't i continue to be who i am? why must i change because that kind of lifestyle works for you decisions.. decisions..

.i'm only content with life because i see no immediate change. he's told me not to wait for him so i'm not. i've tried all i can, and clearly what he wants isn't the best for me. got it. but when change is needed, then i will change? ughh idk. i mean im not really content with a certain relationship but i'm tired of complaining about it. i'm stuck no matter how much i talk.

.i wish that i could i run that back.

.these are MY* mistakes.

.i totally get the importance of advice. i truly do but sometimes i feel that people don't let me learn or live from my own mistakes. and this could go for you as well; maybe you feel that people don't let you learn from your mistakes. i just wish that people will recognize -even myself- that you can't solve everyone else's problems nor can you change their mind to think the way you do. you can only present a solution based off of your experience and then be there when they fall. i personally like to experience some things on my own. i feel like i make the decisions I do because that's who I am. yes i make stupid decisions, hurtful decisions, and silly decisions, but that's me. i have to live in my body with my brain and my heart. i'm sorry that i can't bounce back and be that person you'd like me to be or learn faster from my mistakes.

.it turns out that i've made yet another mistake. you do know that life is about trial and error right? welp yes i've made a new mistake. i wish that i didn't but hey it's already done. and i can honestly see how much i've progressed. me 2 or 3 years ago would have handled it totally differently than how i'm handling it now. i make things as if though they've never happened.- i know i know some say it's bad, but i mean if i know that you aren't going to be a persistent figure in my life, more than likely i'll forget your existence, so i might as well start the process now.

.i know that i may seem difficult or close-minded but it's the only way i know how to protect myself. it may not get me too far or it may not bring me total uber happiness but i'm content with where it's gotten me. this is probably the most ignorant way to be, but i've learned from my mistakes, continuous and some just one timers. i can't become that person that people want me to become.

..and this begins another post.

.and we're doing it again.

.junior year.

i remember going into to freshman year. -sad because of my family
i remember going into to sophmore year. -sad because of him smh lol

here i am at junior year. -excited and happy for some odd reason.

.things are looking pretty swell and sexy. i just don't really care about anyone but i and it's all about me and getting what i want.
.and i want success.
.and i want happiness.
.and i will not lose ever.

.it's also odd. like i feel dumb young and now i'm looking at these freshman and they look like babies. and i remember looking at the juniors when i was a freshman and they looked older and now i'm in that position. am i cool or older looking to these freshman?

.this year i'm not going to be mean to the people i didn't talk to last year. i'll be nice to those fellas who i quickly dismissed lol. idk everything just feels different this time around.

.i can feel it in the air.

.so i read my friends blog and she was talking about love. [of course that's allllll us girlllsss talk about lol] but she was saying something about how one person seems to change their feelings while the other one stays head over heels in love. right now, i'm feeling that change. things are feeling different in my heart right now. even as i'm typing this. it's such a refreshing feeling. it's like things are finally looking as if i can manage. and that's such a good feeling. it's different when you are at school, you know, to face things that are bothering you soooo much. but now that i'm home, right in the belly of what i'm facing, it feels like i have a second chance. i'm back to living my life better than how i was living it prior to anything ever happening to me. i'm excited.

.we'll see how things go in the summer though. people always seem to lose their minds when it gets hot outside. :]

.can't tell me nothing.

.many people don't believe in the things that other people say. you know, when you're friend says for the 100th time that she's never going to talk to him again, or when he's like he's quit drinking? well i'm going to be the one that stands up to that thing i said i was going to quit! i'm tired of people just automatically assuming that whenever i'm sad or down it's because of him, or if i'm acting goofy it's because i had to have done that? why can't they just believe that this is what i'm going to do?! i know that i've said things time and time again about how i'm not going to do this or that, but still ugh. that just bothers me. i have faith in myself! so therefore you should too!

.so i'm home! :] yay. but i'm always kind of scared to be back home. there are just soo many memories here. some that are good, some that are bad, some that feel good, some that don't feel so good. but finally i feel a change in my going back and dealing with memories. it's like i don't feel like that anymore, i've seen how i've grown up. i went to the center yesterday and lol oh boy! i saw young girls looking at the boys and i just thought about myself and how i was wrapped up in this boy who was doing absolutely NOTHING for himself. smh selling drugs, about to do a bid, and i was just sooooooooo infatuated with this GOON! lol. smh. that's something that i'd like to forget. but i remember when i was sad with him because he got this girl pregnant [smh that little girl] i thought that was thee worst feeling ever and that i'd never get over it lol. i got over it a year later. maybe because i was young, maybe because i came into something new, idk but whatever the case may be i'm over it but i remember feeling like i would never be over it. like that was it for me lol. so going back to the center yesterday and thinking about all the times i ran down that street from people with guns lol but i've realized that the pain does truly pass and then you'll look back at it and laugh. i know that i was cracking up. i'm so ready to embrace the future and all the joys and pains that come along with it.

.feels like i'm in crazy competition with the past.

.so i've been thinking about my high school years and even the years before that and i realized how easy my life was lol. its crazy how life gets when you grow up. I remember when i was younger and people used to tell me how tough it was and to value your youth and i never really paid much attention to it, but jeez if i could go back to that time and cherish those moments.


i was talking to my friend about it and she was telling me that she's ready to embrace the whole growing up thing but she feels like she's in competition with her past for the fact that she's striving for this guy to like her instead of the new girl that he's with. when she told me that i was like woooow that's deep. that she's thinking like "what did i do wrong? how did i change?" all i could say is that things change and you can't help that. she's a wonderful person and that's all that matters. she was telling me that everything he didn't like, he's with now. it's just one of those things darling. don't beat yourself up over it!!!!

lol i don't know why everyone comes to me about relationship issues. i am that good with advice? i try my hardest though to make people think about the happiness of the long term and then embrace that.

.i'm not scared of lions and tigers and bears;but i'm scared of [loving you].

.its funny how i told myself that i'd never let you back in, and here you are slowing making your way back. but this time i'm very cautious of what's going on. will i let you back in and and will you do the same to me? i mean things aren't even all the way clear with the circumstances and situations that have come our way, but yet time and time again you push me away but come right back and allow me to get to that place of comfort. is it that you enjoy making me look like a fool. do you like making a fool of me? or is it that you sincerly want me to be in your life? it's funny how i can watch some many different people walk in and out of my life with no emotion or reaction, but with you its different. you have the ability to change me and i don't like it at all. you make me question myself, and even ponder why you do this to me. like loving you is the scariest thing ever. and when i met you, i wasn't looking for love or anything like that, even when things were growing between us, i didn't intend for anything to be that way but i find myself here, feeling these things. and the scariest thing, is that i find myself here-alone. like how could i be so blind and not see the signs of things. it makes me disgusted with myself. disgusted with you. but despite all my disgusts, i always seem to forgive you and myself. i'm so scared of what you are and my feelings for you.

.you can pay for school, but you can't buy class.

.another year of school to begin. how are you going to do this differently? how am i going to do this differently? what friendships are going to be the same? which are going to be different? what new friends will you make, and which will you let go?

.as i venture into another year at HAMPTON UNIVERSITY!! i find myself asking these questions. it seems as i get older, i learn not to care about the things that i find my peers worrying about. i'm more concerned about leaving my mark academically and effecting people positively not just in the sense of being known or popular. i see that a lot of my peers are struggling with that issue. a lot of us haven't found ourselves yet. we are trying to be people that we aren't and some of us are trying to be that ideal hamptonian that we aren't. i feel that this year i will be more independent. it's just this feeling that i have over me. i like to be alone and what not and i feel that everyone should experience that alone time. going off into college and looking back on my freshman year, i see all of my mistake and exactly how vulnerable i was. some of the choices that i've made are pretty wild, but i've learned that i can do another year without making those same mistakes; so what if i lose those friendships that i once had? the goal of college, is to further your academic horizon and to better yourself. you can pay for school but you can't buy class; what are you gonna say you accomplished?

.i'm gonna make history.

[title from swagger like mine by T.I.-qouted directly from JiggamanHOV]

.i forgive you- but i ain't gonna forget.

.this past weekend has been pretty devastating for me. the person whom i deeply loved and cared for no longer has interest in me and that's a tough cookie to swallow. aside from that, this summer was not all that i expected it to be. my family is going through serious issues and everything and almost everyone that i thought i could fall on to make things right, disappointed me. but i would definitely have to say that this weekend was the icing on the cake.

.but i wanted to say that though i've cried and had the swollen eyes, red face, headaches, sickness in my stomach and this pain in my heart, after everyone told me that they were right and that i should have let you go a long time ago, i can find it in my heart to forgive you. yes i hate what you've done to me and what you've made me feel, but i forgive you. forgiving you will make me a better person and it won't let me hate you and keep this feeling inside towards you that i was never supposed to have. i was only supposed to love you, so doing the opposite is what's not normal for me.

.however, though i've forgiven, i didn't forget. i will never forget this and though i'm young and i'm new to this, i will look at this as a lesson learned. i've learned from my mistakes and yours. so even if our paths do cross in the future, i will never forget about the pain that you may be able to give me again. i will now look both ways when i cross the street, not that i didn't before, but i will definitely double, no triple check because having me not be myself is something i will never forget. i'm not being myself and i don't like that i'd allow you do to this. i was here and happy before you were ever allowed into my heart.

.i wish you the best and complete happiness.

[title from Two Wrongs by Wyclef Jean- qouted directly from Claudette Ortiz]